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I certainly didn’t have high self esteem when I was still suffering from social anxiety disorder.
In fact, my low self-esteem was part of what was causing me to feel so uncomfortable around others.
It’s been quite a journey to “achieve” high self esteem; to feel really good about me, to trust myself and my capabilities.
And it definitely wasn’t easy…
Especially in the beginning when I tried the commonly recommended solutions out there, I struggled big time.
Since I was desperate to feel better, I was willing to force myself to do whatever it took.
Since I read over and over again that “doing the thing you fear makes death of fear certain” I decided to force myself to painfully face my fears, so I could feel confident, and good about me.
But I didn’t particularly “kill my fears” by facing them…
I did the the things I feared most, like purposefully getting myself rejected by women, purposefully embarrassing myself by wearing lipstick on my lips and around my eyes and talking to people, and much more odd stuff like that.
It was incredibly hard to do.
I couldn’t sleep days before I had planned these ordeals.
But I was committed to overcome my social anxiety, and to have the high self esteem I saw confident guys around me have.
So I did face my fears.
But the rush of confidence I would get after it only lasted for days.
Tops.
And then I was back to square one.
It wasn’t until I started applying a simple tapping technique in the right way that I made permanent shifts.
Results that have lasted.
See-, society makes us believe that high self esteem is some reward we have to earn.
But high self esteem is what we’re born with.
Society has programmed us to believe we need to accomplish things and excel in our lives to achieve it.
And what I learned, both from personal experience and from my coaches and mentors, is that this outside-in approach only gives you temporary results.
The reality is that high self esteem is already within you.
It’s your natural state of being.
When you have low self esteem, this is simply because you have these false negative and limiting beliefs (like ” I’m not good enough, for example) that block you from feeling your inborn high self esteem.
And these beliefs come from somewhere…
As you were growing up, if you were often/constantly criticised, put-down, shamed, bullied, humiliated, betrayed, abused, ignored or over-disciplined…
… Or when you constantly felt unloved, unsupported, abandoned, unacknowledged or unaccepted…
… you form decisions (consciously or subconsciously) about yourself to protect yourself and make sense of the world.
These decisions become negative core beliefs.
Common examples are :
- I’m unworthy
- There’s something wrong with me
- I have to be perfect to be accepted/loved/safe
- I’m bad
- Etc.
And these beliefs block you from feeling high self esteem.
When your world gets filtered through these negative core beliefs you end up allowing only parts of your natural self esteem.
You’re literally “low on self esteem”.
If you for example have a conversation with someone, and you filter all the communication (the tone of voice, the body language, the words spoken, the facial expressions, the environment etc.) through the belief “I’m not good enough”, or “there’s something wrong with me”, or “I’m inferior”, you cannot feel high on self esteem.
If you are on the other hand are filtering all the incoming information through the belief of “I’m equal and more than good enough”, how much better will you feel?
The secret to high self esteem is to overcome these negative beliefs, so you can fully connect to your good feeling emotions about you.
And by using this technique I mentioned in the right way, you can neutralise these negative limiting beliefs.
I grew my self esteem the fastest when I discovered how to use it effectively.
And the results have been permanent.
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Sebastiaan van der Schrier is a Social Confidence Coach and ex social anxiety sufferer. He helps socially anxious people become confident using a unique and painless approach. He is the host of the Social Anxiety Solutions podcast show and runs the first ever online Social Confidence Community.
Latest posts by Sebastiaan (see all)
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2 comments. Leave new
Well said, 100 agree.
Good read, enjoyed it!