I certainly didn’t have high self esteem when I was still suffering from social anxiety disorder. It took me a long journey to overcome my low self esteem, and get to the place of effortless social confidence I am at today.
And I grew my self esteem the fastest when…
And the results were permanent.
When I forced myself to painfully face my fears, I only got the rush of confidence -that can be mistaken for high self esteem- for a few days.
And then I was back to square one.
Once I started applying this technique in the right way, I made permanent shifts.
And it was far easier.
See-, high self esteem is what we’re born with.
However, society has programmed us to believe we need to accomplish things and excel in our lives to achieve this.
This is false, you can have it from within. And you already do; you’re born with it. It’s just that you’ve had all these negative life experiences that caused you to block feeling your inborn high self esteem.
Allow me to explain…
As you were growing up, if you were often/constantly criticized, put-down, shamed, bullied, humiliated, betrayed, abused, ignored or over-disciplined…
… Or when you constantly felt unloved, unsupported, abandoned, unacknowledged or unaccepted…
… you form decisions (consciously or subconsciously) about yourself to protect yourself and make sense of the world.
These decisions become negative core beliefs.
And these beliefs block you from feeling high self esteem.
Common examples are :
- I’m not good enough
- There’s something wrong with me
- I have to be perfect to be accepted/loved/safe
- I’m not OK
And the information from the outside world then gets filtered through these negative core beliefs.
And you therefore feel low on self esteem.
If you for example have a conversation with someone, and you filter all the communication (the tone of voice, the body language, the words spoken, the facial expressions, the environment etc.) through the belief “I’m not good enough”, or “there’s something wrong with me”, or “I’m inferior”, you end up feeling low self esteem.
If you are on the other hand are filtering all the incoming information through the belief of “I’m equal and more than good enough”, then how do you think that will make you feel?
… Going from low self esteem (or from social anxiety disorder) to high self esteem (to social confidence) is most effectively done by taking a systematic approach and using a certain technique in the right way.
It’s not a quick fix.
But the closest thing to it that I’ve found in more than 10 years of trying out everything out there to raise my confidence.
And I did it all:
Affirmations, facing my fears, visualization, changing my thoughts, hypnosis and all the other stuff.
By applying this technique in the right way, you can make overnight progress.
It is common.
And while difficult to believe, you can make massive progress within just a few weeks.
And becoming anxiety-free is possible with persistence…
For the remainder of this article I will give you the 15 traits of high self esteem that you can get to once you successfully change your negative core beliefs. It’s all about changing the beliefs…
Good, So What Is Self Esteem?
OK, in laymen terms it’s how you feel about yourself and how confident you feel in your abilities.
How much you love yourself and how worthy you feel… I will get more specific later.
This is because there are 2 forms of it. There is external- and internal self esteem.
External self esteem is that what you get when you accomplish something.
Or the self esteem you feel when you are in a specific role and/or environment.
So say that for example you are a manager somewhere.
You then might feel high self esteem because of the situation/role you’re in.
However, when you go outside the place you’re not the manager anymore and you lose the good, confident feelings because it’s not coming from within.
It was role/situation based.
This is the external and temporary form and we won’t focus on this as we are looking for lasting results.
Real high self esteem is basically seeing yourself as a worthy human being.
It is how you think of yourself.
Better said, it’s how you overall value yourself and how worthy you feel you are.
And this all comes down to the beliefs you have about yourself.
High self esteem is a natural feeling that comes from within, and once you change the blocking beliefs to feeling it, you restore your inborn feeling of high self esteem.
OK, let me ask you some self esteem questions…
- Do you believe you are a worthy human being?
- Do you feel you belong here?
- Do you feel good about yourself?
- Do you like, love and respect yourself?
- Do you expect to be respected?
- Do you feel you deserve success and happiness?
- Do you feel proud of who you are and what you stand for?
A few years ago that where a looooot of “no’s”, “not really’s” and head twisting “nah-ah’s” for me…
If you suffer from social anxiety the answer to a lot of the above questions will probably also be no (or “not really” or “nah-ah”).
Or at least not a full convincing “YES”
But don’t worry, this might only be your current situation.
First let’s get a more clear understanding of what high self esteem exactly is.
This model with the 15 most important character traits helps me as I can consciously build it for myself by knowing and practicing this, and I also use it as a guide line in working with me clients.
I hope it’s helpful for you as well.
The 15 traits…
High self esteem people:
- Feel worthy of love and approval. They approve of themselves and are not desperate for other peoples approval.
- Know what is important to them in life. They knows their values.
- Know their strengths and weaknesses. They build their strengths and accept their weaknesses as a part of them (while still working on their weaknesses).
- Know what they will and will not accept. They created their own rules about this.
- Know themselves very well. Because of this they always value their own opinion of themselves more than the opinion others have of them.
“I have often wondered how it is everyone loves himself more than the rest of men, but yet sets less value on his own opinions of himself than the opinions of others.”,
- Completely accepts themselves. They’re OK with their imperfections.
- Feel confident in being able to solve any challenges that come their way.
- Are good with other people. They radiate acceptance of themselves and other people. Other people feel this and are drawn to it. They rationalize: “Since this person is so easy-going and seems so accepting of himself, they will most likely also be accepting of me”.
(Read here how YOU can”Stop Caring What Others Think Of You And Feel Free To Speak Your Mind“)
- Know what they want in life.
- Are nice and friendly to people. They feels so good about themselves that they don’t feel a need to put others down to lift themselves up. They tend to be very forgiving and want to bring people up to their level.
- Have an opinion and are not afraid of sharing it. They’re OK with people thinking otherwise, but they are not going to change their opinion to please other people.
- Love life, have a sense of humor and are overall happy people.
- Know who they are, where they had to come from and where they’re going. They go for what they want without apologizing for it.
- Believe in their abilities to achieve what they want. They confidently go for it.
- Are willing to move out of their comfort zones to face the unknown and grow as a human being.
Knowing about the above traits is important in overcoming social anxiety and developing yourself into a happy and fulfilled person.
… and how to get rick-solid confidence in all situations, go HERE.
- Take control of your belief system and you solve your social anxiety
- Change your brain to solve your social anxiety
- Self acceptance to solve social anxiety
- How perfectionism influences social anxiety
- Calmly dealing with criticism
- Low self esteem is the disease that is ruining your life
- Letting go of the past and moving on
- How a negative self image is influencing your social anxiety
- Create a positive self image
- How to stop worrying
- Turn the eye of judgement around and stop caring what other people think of you