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Your social anxiety is NOT your fault



Have you ever looked at your life, compared it to “normal” people, and felt upset about it?

Ever blamed and shamed yourself for being weird?

Ever worried others would find out about your SA, about how far behind you are, or how weird you are?

Well, this needs to STOP.

Because it’s damaging your self-esteem and it’s worsening your anxiety.

In this episode, Sebastiaan will guide you through a tap-along session that can help you reduce the shame and blame game on yourself.

He will also lead you to a strategy that can help you neutralize the issues that can help you become socially at ease.

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Have you ever looked at your life, compared to “normal” people, and then felt upset about it? 

Have you ever worried about other people finding out your secret that you have social anxiety and that you’re behind on particular things and felt really ashamed about it? 

Have you ever blamed yourself for where you’re at and the problems that you’re dealing with? 

 Well, this needs to stop! 

 Because it’s damaging your self-esteem, and it’s worsening your social anxiety. 

 And if you were able to control it at the moment, if you could stop your social anxiety at will you wouldn’t be listening to me now.

 So today. We’re going to begin stopping the shame and blame game of yourself. 

And this is going to reduce your suffering.

By the end of the video, you will have a simple strategy to reduce ongoing suffering. 

I know this is relevant work to do because I’ve helped clients with this over and over. 

And not only that, I experienced this myself. 

I blamed and shamed myself big time. 

I’d be comparing myself with other people and I’d see them have fun, I’d see them joke around, I’d see them connect, I’d see them get together and do fun things together. And I would compare myself and I’m like:

‘Man, why can’t I just have that? What’s wrong with me? Why am I not just feeling relaxed in those moments? Why is that blushing coming up? How come I feel triggered? How can I freeze up? Why can’t I do what they’re doing? And why is what they’re doing so effortless and natural, and why is it happening to me it’ll make me pissed off at myself and frustrated with myself and I consider myself inferior and less than, and a loser, and weird and is different in a bad way.’

I would then blame myself for not being like them. 

I’d blame myself for not being able to date, and not having a sex life. 

I’d blame myself for not being the man that I thought that I should be and not being tougher. 

And I’d blame myself for blushing, and that it was weak. 

And I’d blamed myself and found fault in myself for all of that as if I was doing it on purpose.

And while this blaming of myself, this being hard, and tough on myself was intended to fix the insecurity and to stop the anxiety and awkwardness. It actually did the opposite. 

It worsened my self-esteem. 

Now I felt even lower about myself.

Can you relate to this at all?

Inside our Social Confidence Club, beating yourself up, blaming, and shaming yourself is a significant issues.

And we spend a lot of time on actually addressing this and resolving this. 

That’s important and necessary. And people report profound benefits from doing this work. 

So, it’s very helpful. 

I thought today for the gang here – you.

We’re going to get a start on how to stop this pattern that is sabotaging your self-esteem. 

And then we’re going to do some tapping and then later I’ll give you a simple strategy you can use by yourself right?

All right!

To begin I invite you to close your eyes… 

…and just tune in to your social anxiety problem. 

Think about how it’s affecting your life. 

Think about what it is that you’re trying to hide from others with regard to your social anxiety. 

Maybe it’s that your dating life sucks, or maybe it’s that you’re not where you’re supposed to be, or maybe it’s that you have these issues. 

What is it that the anxiety has caused in your life? 

It causes a lot of limitations, a lot of problems, and a lot of difficulties. 

What is it that it has caused that you don’t want people to find out?

Think about that. Think about the problem and tune into it. 

Notice when emotions come up; notice what thoughts come up as you’re thinking about this. 

Just rate how bad it feels from 0 – 10. 

And so, open your eyes and start tapping on the side of your hand. And follow along. 

Here we go! 

Even though I have this social anxiety problem
And it’s really difficult
And it’s affecting my life massively
really judged myself for that
I really blame myself for that
I want to try to find a way to get perspective 

Beginning of the Eyebrows (BE)     I have all these problems because of social anxiety

Side of the Eyes (SE)                         It’s pissing me off 

 Under the Eyes (UE)                        It’s so frustrating 

 Under the Nose (UN)                      I shouldn’t be having all these problems 

 Chin (CH)                                          But I do 

 Collarbone (CB)                                And I’m afraid that people find out

Under the arms (UA)                       Where I’m at is so embarrassing

Liver Point (LP)                                 I’m so ashamed of all these problems.

Wrist Point (WP)                              My life isn’t the way it should be.

Top of the Head (TH)                       I’m not where I’m supposed to be okay

While you tap on the beginning of your eyebrows, I want you to think about other people. 

You might think about particular friends, people that are close to you, family members, whoever is relevant that you sometimes compare yourself with.

SE    They’re much better than me

UE    Why am I so weird 

 UN    I’m not supposed to feel this way

CH    I shouldn’t have these problems 

CB    I release all my emotional attachments to I shouldn’t have these problems 

UA    But I do have these problems 

WP   I acknowledge that I have these issues

TH    That’s the truth.

BE    I’ve got these issues

SE    And what is also true 

UE    Is that I’m not doing this on purpose

UN    And these issues don’t have to define who I am 

CH    I’ve got these issues. 

CB    And what I decide to do with them or not…

UA …is more descriptive of the kind of person I am 

LP     I’ve been dealt these cards 

WP   And it’s very difficult to play the game at this moment in time 

TH    Game of life is very challenging right now

BE    I acknowledge that fact 

SE    And I’m doing the best I can 

UE    Part of me disagrees with that 

UN    Part of me thinks I should try harder 

CH    And I recognize that part of me 

CB    That part of me wants me to do better and suffer less 

UA    And I can appreciate that intention 

WP   But I’m letting that part of me know 

TH    That being really hard on myself is only lowering my self-esteem



BE    It’s making things more difficult

SE    I’m letting that part and all parts of me know 

UE    That I’m not getting anxious on purpose 

UN    I’ve got these difficult issues 

CH    But I’m dealing with them 

CB    I’m doing something about them

UA    And I choose to respect myself for that

WP   I deserve to respect myself for that

TH    I’ve got these difficulties and because of the limitations  



BE    The limitations caused by anxiety 

SE    Have led to these embarrassing problems 

UE    And what will others think of these problems? 

UN   They might think whatever 

CH    And I have my emotional reactions to what I imagined they might think.

CB    And I can clear those emotional reactions 

UA    I’m doing that right now. 

LP     I’m afraid of what they’ll think of my secrets and social anxiety 

WP   And I release all my emotional attachments to whatever they might think

TH    And I choose to find a little bit of compassion for myself right now. 

And I’m reminding myself that me taking some action is worthy of respecting myself.


Deep breath. Relax. Nice work.

Now, I hope this was helpful to you. 

This is, of course, just a taster/ a beginning part of accepting what’s going on. 

Inside the club, we do many exercises on this over a period of months. Just to give you an idea. 

This is chipping away at the layers of non-acceptance. 

There’s the problem of anxiety. And then there are your difficult life circumstances that have resulted from the anxiety:

  • Difficulty having close friends 
  • Difficulty to have intimacy
  • Missing out on things, you’re not being as advanced in your career as you’d like 
  • Not going for promotions
  • Etc. 

Those difficulties are the consequence of anxiety. 

And then there are your feelings about what is. 

And what you want to do is you want to come to terms with how things are. 

Now what that does not mean is that you approve of it, or that you like it, or that you want things to stay the same, or that you’re not going to do anything about it. 

That does not, that is not what acceptance means. 

What coming to terms with and making peace with where you’re at means is that you stop judging yourself, you stop feeling so bad about where you’re at, you release the shame, and you neutralize the embarrassment.

Those feelings, your reactions, your life circumstance, and the anxiety that’s within your control, especially with the tapping.

I’ve just guided you through a little experience of this, and you can do more, you can chip away at it.

Now, at the beginning of the video, I said, I’m going to give you a little strategy because there’s more to do.

Now, this is unlikely to solve all trouble with accepting your life circumstances. But it’s something you can do, that’s going to bring you some relief and that relief is going to add up.

Whenever you feel bad about your situation, immediately start tapping.

And just be tapping from point to point.

You can either allow the feelings to be there and give them permission to be there and accept and allow how you feel recognize your feelings and have them be okay.

You can even go into venting your feelings.

“This is bullshit, why is this happening shouldn’t be happening.” 

And just let those feelings rip. So to speak. While you tap,  you might do that already sometimes, but you might not be aware that you’re doing it. Or when you do it, you don’t do it while you’re tapping.

If you do this, while you’re tapping, you’re kind of interrupting the pattern,  you’re doing what you’re normally doing in a particular pattern, and you’re doing something else you’re adding to tapping.

And on top of that, or maybe especially, you’re also beginning to soothe the emotions associated with what you’re focusing on.

So you can think about the different areas of your life that bring up these emotions and then the tapping begins to soothe them.

And then you might remind yourself that you’re doing your best.

And this is not your fault, because it is not your fault.

It’s your responsibility, however, to do something about it.

And that’s what you’ve been doing right now.

So, good job.

Now if you want to do, even more, I suggest checking out this video.

In this video, I’ll guide you through a tap-along focused on coming to terms with the anxiety and changing the relationship with the anxiety.

There are a lot of comments underneath that video, and a lot of people reported that after the video, it sits with them differently. 

They have an outlook/different perspective.

Because the tapping has helped them shift things on a subconscious level.

So, go check that out right now.

I’ll connect with you very soon.

Bye for now.

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