Do you have a relationships that you would like to change?
In this post, I’m sharing a quick tip…
…how to change your relationships with others by going inside.
It might feel like it’s everyone around you who needs to change, but you hold the key to creating the change.
You owe it to yourself to be the change you want to see in your relationships.
Sebastiaan: Hi, my name Sebastiaan van der Schrier. I am a former social anxiety disorder sufferer and I’m a social confidence coach and I’m the host of the Social Anxiety Solutions podcast and the creator of the first online social confidence community.
Now in this video I’m going to give you a quick tip and insight.
This is the topic:
Alright. So, a lot of people with social anxiety they have challenging relationships in their life. They might have a boss who’s an asshole or they might have a colleague that they feel really uncomfortable with or they might have that friend that is a friend of their friend group that kind of bullies them or puts them down or maybe there’s this girl that is always really mean to you.
Usually there’s some kind of difficult relationships in your life and when I then work with clients they’re complaining about this person.
They’re like well, if this person or these people weren’t in my life things would be so much easier. I wouldn’t be so anxious. Uh-huh, sure. However, the challenges and this one is obvious, you can’t change people.
You can’t change the outside world to fit to your liking but what you can’t change is yourself on the inside in your reaction to these people. And what you’ll find is that when you change things on the inside, the outside will start to shift and change.
Your relationship with others will start to change when you change the relationship with yourself on the inside.
How does that work?
Well, you are constantly sending out a message to other people but it’s mostly nonverbal. It’s about the way you make or do not make eye contact, the way you hold eye contact, your body language, your posture, the tone of voice.
All of that communicates a message that people pick up on and if that message is, I’m not important or I’m a loser or I don’t deserve respect then people will pick up on that and react accordingly.
When I work with my clients and they say for example that they have a difficult boss, I just worked with a client about that the other week I’m like great, so we have something to focus on.
How do you feel when you think about being around your boss?
Oh, super anxious. All right, let’s look at why that is. And then I’ll figure out well, what is the message that he’s communicating to his boss? Why is his boss treating him like shit? How’s his boss treating him? Well, his boss is treating him after some inquiry like he’s not important, like he doesn’t matter and my client was trying to prove himself, prove how important he was. So, deep down there was that belief that he’s not important, he doesn’t matter.
Now that belief comes from somewhere early relationships with mom and dad growing up. That’s where that belief is formed and so that belief of, I’m not important is broadcasted to the world as a result of the way he behaves, the way he makes eye contact, the way he holds back, the way he doesn’t speak his truth and so on. And it also leads to anxiety because if you’re not important and other people are important then oh, be careful, don’t speak up because if you actually speak up you might upset the really important ones.
The cool thing is when you shift and change that belief from whatever it is for you, well, in this case from “I’m not important” to “I am important” which you can quickly and effectively do using energy psychology such as EFT or psych-k or logo synthesis or any of the other techniques I talk about quite frequently. Especially tapping I talk about quite frequently on my channel.
Then internally you now no longer believe “I’m not important”. That doesn’t feel true to you anymore. That belief is no longer emotionally hooked to your nervous system because we’ve released the emotion and then it’s just the thought has no power over you, but you can’t do that with just changing your thoughts.
Okay, from now on I’ll just start believing that I’m important.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way because you have a lot of evidence to back up that you are indeed not important. And with evidence I’m talking about the repetitive negative experiences that you had in your early childhood or maybe traumatic events that confirm to you that indeed you’re not good enough or it’s either where you learnt or where it confirmed to you that you’re not important.
Now when you release that, when you use these energy psychology techniques to release the emotional charge then the belief “I’m not important” no longer feels true. And then when you feel you are important, now you’re communicating a totally different message to people.
Now when he communicates with his boss, “boss” – what a word. With his employer, he can hold eye contact, he feels on an equal level instead of being hunched over seeking his approval awkwardly laughing it is not funny jokes, he might maintain a normal posture. He’ll sit differently, instead of a meek shaky voice he can just project his voice and he can speak with confidence.
And so, when you communicate in that way, when he communicates in that way with his boss, his boss will start to treat him differently. Because his employer’s subconscious will pick up on the message that my client is now non-verbally communicating that says, “I am important”. Well, someone who is important people treat differently than someone who is not important. I mean ideally you treat everyone the same but some people…
That’s the message. Change yourself from the inside and the outside world will start to change. Shift your relationship with yourself internally and your relationship with other people will start to shift and change.
I hope this has been helpful for you. I offer a free social confidence starter kit where I give you the basics of tapping. The technique that I use to overcome my own social anxiety and I guide you through an experience of it. It’s nothing like deep breathing or changing your thoughts which it has its place but doesn’t really solve your social anxiety. This actually can.
I also give you in that starter kit my eBook “How to overcome social anxiety completely?” to the point where there is none of it and you can just freely be yourself, speak your mind, have a good time, look forward to social situations. You can get all of that on my website social-anxiety-solutions.com/ something I have no idea what it is. Click under this video or just go through my website and you’ll find it there. I think the tab is called “Overcome social anxiety for free”.
All right, I hope this has been helpful. Leave your comments below and I will talk to you next Thursday when I release another video like this. Subscribe. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye.