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Can you be at social ease while in situations where you have to behave in a certain way?
Can you be yourself and get along with others at the same time?
Learn how being socially at ease helps you become smarter in social situations. Know what does it take to be socially savvy while being able to express yourself completely.
Hey, this is Sebastiaan from social-anxiety-solutions.com. I helped people overcome social anxiety to feel relaxed and at ease in social situations.
Now, I am answering a question that was sent to me via email. His name is Pablo. So he says:
Hello Sebastiaan, I’ve been following your videos for a while. Keep them up, they are of good help. Just a question I came across: “How can you be at social ease while in situations where you have to behave in a certain way? For example, in a family gathering. Here, I hesitated being myself completely. Will that be the best idea considering that I have fucked up sense of humor and some people won’t understand? Thanks!”
We share that. We both have a particular sense of humor. Yes, it would be a good idea to be socially at ease. Wouldn’t it be a good idea to be exactly, 100% the same in all situations? Probably not. I’m not. I slightly adjust the things I say and the things I do not say particular to the situation that I am in.
If I’m in a situation with family members, I probably wouldn’t be talking about sex. While I might joke with that around with my friends, I probably wouldn’t bring that up while I am with my family. But I am at ease when I’m around my family even though I withhold from that kind of topic. If it comes up, that’s okay.
It’s more about, when you are socially at ease, you are comfortable and relaxed enough to listen to your intuition. You can read the social situation without that anxiety about what is it that you are going to say or not going to say, or being the center of attention. You are okay with whatever happens. And therefore, it is safe to be whichever way you feel like expressing yourself. But it doesn’t mean that you lose your common sense. You are not going to say profane things just because you can. You can, but you choose not to because it is more socially savvy to withhold certain comments.
It is social intelligence; you are not going to lose your social intelligence when you are comfortable and at ease. In fact, your social intelligence will go through a roof. You will become a lot smarter because you have the calm and the peace inside to follow what feels right to you.
And I would add to that. You asked me that question. While you asked me that question, I was on YouTube and I saw a comment that someone made under a video that I shot in a public airport. I was at that public airport, sitting in front of my laptop, and doing a weekly video. People were passing by and so on. And he said, “Man, that takes balls.” And I was replying to him and said, “No, it doesn’t.” Because, I’m not forcing myself to face my fears here. This was just my brain saw no threats in this situation. So I could just easily express what’s going on and what I wanted to say just like being in the comfort of my own home. And that’s because I was okay shooting that video there in public. I wasn’t judging myself for doing that.
When I was reading your question, I was thinking about “What if I do that here where I lived in a particular cafe?” And I was like, “Yeah, I wouldn’t be as comfortable doing that.” I was thinking to myself, “Why is that?” “Well, because I wouldn’t like it if in this particular vibe that we have here, because it’s more calm and peaceful than the cafe that I was imagining. If some dude will start yapping loudly on a video and setting up his whole little office -here this is my whole set-up- I would have some judgement about that. So if I’m sitting there, doing that, I would be judging myself. I’m like, “Look at this guy, sitting and making his video. Look at him.” That particular judgement is what makes me uncomfortable doing that now.
So if I would want to do that, for whatever reason with no intention of doing so, I would work on releasing my own self judgement about being a guy that does that in a cafe like that. While you are concerned about other people judging you, for a large part: you judging yourself and you are not okay being yourself. If you make okay with yourself, you worry less with what other people think of you. From that place, you can get rid of that worry about what other people think of you completely. You can just be at ease, be very socially savvy, and be attuned to what you are saying.
Social ease has no downside. It is just a matter of being able to be yourself and select what you choose to say more carefully.
Also, I frequently say things that are inappropriate. I cross the boundaries. I can apologize. Sometimes I go that far and say, “Sorry, that was inappropriate.” Or, I might make a joke about the thing that occurred. Or whatever. There is no real downside because you can always make up or adjust your cores or whatever.
Hope that has been helpful. Thanks for your question. It is a great question. I enjoyed it.
Subscribe here. I will talk to you next week. Bye for now.