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Have you been rejected in a social situation that then resulted in feelings of shame and guilt?
Were you miserable for days and thought about it over and over?
In this episode, Sebastiaan will be sharing two personal stories that will help you deal with rejection and make more friends simply by changing your mindset.
By watching this, you will get a fresh perspective of what there is about being rejected.
You will understand what makes people disapprove which will help you deal with those crappy feelings.
In the end, you will realize how you too can confidently make new and more friends.
Hey, this is Sebastiaan van der Schrier from Social Anxiety Solutions.com.
In this quick video, I’m going to tell you two stories that [will] help you with a particular mindset that [will] help you avoid getting rejected or rather, to not get rejected and make more friends.
Alright, so right now I am in Cali, Colombia which is the capital of Salsa in the world.
I’m in this kind of hostile-like environment.
I’m here by myself. I don’t know anyone here but I’m a dancer!
So I’m part of a worldwide salsa community.
And I came here, and I got put in touch with some of the top dancers here.
And I started doing classes. And when I arrived here, I immediately go out to dance.
Normally, I live in Bali, Indonesia [but] I’m from Holland and I go to different places, and I dance!
In Europe, when I ask someone to dance, they say, “Yes, sure”.
But here, it’s an interesting situation. So like I said, this is the capital of salsa dancing in the world. And they dance their own particular style [called] Caleña style – Cali style [which is] very fast.
And [since] because tourists come here, they then go to salsa class, and [attend] salsa classes for a week and then they go out to dance.
And then sometimes, they muster up the courage to ask a Columbiana to dance, and then they dance.
So I go out dancing by myself and [I will] just ask someone to dance and then, [we] dance!
But what I found here is like [out of] the ten girls that I asked to dance, two or three [girls] would actually say “no” which is an interesting experience because I’m not used to that. I’m a bit surprised by it.
But whereas in the past, [if] something like that [will happen], [it] would have given me a massive sting of rejection, awkwardness, shame associated with it, and I’d be done it out.
I’m not talking about when I started dancing because I’ve never had that. [I mean], my social anxiety is a thing of the way past.
So, when I started dancing already, [I] didn’t have a problem with it anymore.
Because I remember even just the slightest sense of disapproval or the slightest sense of rejection, [I would be feeling] deep in my chest and in the pit of my stomach.
It is a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and [I will feel] all the crappy feelings associated with it [like], shame, guilt and [then], my day would be over.
I tried to avoid the situation. I’d go home [feeling] miserable and [I will] think about it for days and it would just be a mess.
And now, that didn’t get triggered but [it] was also interesting was that I instantly went to rationality which is what I want to talk about, like, how to address the actual sting of rejection.[Try to] watch any of the many other videos that I’ve posted using the Tapping to address that [and] how to do that.
It’s a long story, go to my website: http://social-anxiety-solutions.com
The “mindset” is often very helpful to have as well – it’s not just clearing stuff [but] you also want to have the right mindset.
And so the right mindset was, “well, this is not about me – it’s not that they’re saying ‘no’ to me, they’re saying ‘no’ to the experience that I’m inviting them into”.
And they have a particular perception about me. I’m Sebastian van der Schrier but they don’t know I’m Sebastian van der Schrier.
They just think, “Ah! White guy, foreigner probably cannot dance. This white guy, a random white dude is inviting me into is an experience I don’t want to have because I’m a girl”.
And I’ve seen these gringos dance here before, and it’s awkward and it’s uncomfortable. I don’t want to go through that experience. Right?
What she doesn’t know is that I’ve been dancing for three or four years, every single day, [I’ve been into] lots of classes. I’m actually a pretty decent dancer, right?
So, don’t take it personally. It’s not that they’re rejecting you. They’re rejecting either the vibe that you’re giving off or they’re rejecting just an assumption they’ve made about you.
People make assumptions. People make judgments based upon their past experiences.
It’s the same thing [with my experience in] Thailand. Most of the time, [the] people are nice. Sometimes, I just find that people instantly don’t like me or I just get that sense of “I don’t want anything to do with you”.
Now, I have taken that personally in the past – got annoyed by it.
But now I’m like, “alright, that’s not about me, that’s just all of the history that they have had with foreigners that look like me. That’s the template that I am. That’s what they are responding to”.
They’re not responding to Sebastiaan van der Schrier because they have no clue who I am.
They don’t know [that] I’m actually a pretty nice guy, most of the time. They don’t know that.
So they’re not rejecting me personally, they’re rejecting what they think what they anticipate that I am or what they anticipate that the experience is going to be like interacting with me or in, in the case with this, these women here dancing with me.[I’m like], “I have something for you to consider”.
I have lots of clients in the past who told me about these big rejections and they have memories of these big rejections.
But part of the work is helping them to realize that they didn’t get rejected as a person as a whole, but it’s their vibe.
Maybe they were feeling very awkward, or maybe they were feeling insecure, or maybe they were showing off, or there was something about the energy – the vibe that they were bringing to the other person that that other person rejected.
So there you go.
Now, if you [are being] constantly get rejected, then there is something going on.
And you definitely want to go talk to a psychotherapist and you probably need to do some real soul-searching to see “What’s going on? What is it? What is it that I’m doing? Who is it that I’m being? How am I presenting myself? What is it about my behavior that’s so off-putting to people on a continuous basis?”.
But it’s not something that’s permanent – it’s something temporary? Right? So hope that helps.
That’s one.[The] second thing is [I had] a session with my coach and my mentor a couple of days ago.
The session was about criticism – self-criticism.
My coach noticed that I was quite critical of myself. And so we did some work on that.
And one of the things that my mentor was talking about is, “look, all people are the same. It’s an illusion that we’re different”.[This is] not new to me, I’ve heard that a million times but it was brought to me in a particular way with metaphors and hit noses or whatnot, it went in deeper.
And so that’s my mentor.
I also spoke to my coach.[I told my coach that] I didn’t want to meet a particular person in Holland, an old friend of mine because [in the] past, [the] last time that we met, I didn’t get too much out of it. So why would I do that again?
And my coach said, “well, what would be in it for him for you two to meet?”.
I thought that was a very interesting question because it helped me to think in a less selfish way, in a more inclusive way, in a more compassionate way, in a more like, “Hey! We’re in this together”.
So that’s a bit of a pre-frame to the story.
So [when] I get here in Cali maybe 10 days ago (I arrived in the evening). [I find the place as] dodgy and dangerous. You cannot walk by yourself in the street at midnight because you [may] get robbed or stabbed or whatever. It’s a bit of a dodgy place.
But I stand outside of the hotel or the hostel that I’m staying.
And this guy was the vigilante or not the vigilante (I forgot the name of the kind of guards [on] the street). He starts to talk to me in Spanish and he seems to be a bit drunk. He’s a bit all over the place.
And initially, I was thinking, “Oh, all right, how do I get rid of this guy quickly, so I can go to my room and be done with it”.
But then in my mind, “oh, okay, I’m being critical here. I’m not being open-minded. I’m not allowing myself to meet this person and see what’s going on”.
So, how about I shift my approach and be more open-minded and be more curious and see what’s going on.
Anyway, we have a 10-minute conversation in my broken Spanish. I hardly understood what he was saying. But all right.
Now, for the rest of the time that I’ve been here, (I’m about to leave. I’ve been here for about 10 days) every time I would leave the door, there my man was – Andres.
“Hey! Sebastiaan” and he was so excited to talk to me every time even though I only have this much conversation to bring.
And basically, over the time, (one day I ordered a big pizza had some pizza left, I thought I was going to give that to some of the people that are living here on the street) [but when I] walk out the door, he is there.
He’s like, “Hey! how’s it going? Where are you going?”[I say], “yeah, I’m off giving that pizza to someone. Unless you want it”. [He is] like, “oh, can I get it?” [I say] “Yeah, sure”.
So I hadn’t in the pizza.
He is over the moon and he’s super excited.[The] next day, he is sitting down with the neighbors in the street. [There is] Andres, like, “Sebastiaan, amigo, parcero, que pasa?” and he introduces me to the neighbor.
So we sit down, we order a beer.
Now, we’re sitting with the three of us and the other neighbors come out, “Hey, where are you from? blah, blah”.
And then the guy from across the road, who owns the whole bar (It’s not a beer place. It’s more like, it’s a brewery, who owns the brewery also speaks English comes over as well).
So now we’re sitting here with the whole neighborhood of people having a drink, talking about the differences of Columbia and Holland, and travel (and the guy from the brewery had traveled to various places as well).
And we’re just having a great time.
Now, all of these experiences wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t been open to “what’s this guy about?”
I could [have] rejected him out of my experience, because he [seemed] a bit drunk – it was a bit dodgy, this is not someone who’s going to add value to my life, blah, blah, selfish, selfish, selfish….
But because [I had] a more open-minded attitude, [it] led to this experience. And then now [I actually have] a good friend, Andres – it’s really cool.
So there you go.
How to make more friends and how to stop getting rejected?
Rejection is about your perception, right?
So if someone doesn’t want you, or doesn’t appreciate you, or doesn’t approve of you, for one, it’s about them.
It’s almost always about them.
It’s about their assumptions about you or it’s about your vibe and that’s something that you can shift and change.
And then, how do you make more friends?
Be more open to more people.
Be curious and see what happens.
So these are my two tips from Cali, Colombia.
Hope that helps.
And obviously, these are just mindsets.
The real work comes from like I mentioned earlier in the video, neutralizing those old emotional responses using the tapping but that’s a story for a different video.
Probably one already made at some point.
Hope this helps.
This is Sebastiaan from Social Anxiety Solutions.
Have a good one.
Bye for now.