Sebastiaan: Hello, my name is Sebastiaan and I’m a social confidence coach. I help people with social anxiety feel calmer relaxed in social situations without needing to force themselves to face their fears. And in this video, I’m gonna talk about the mindset that people have that actually causes them to stay stuck and not solve their social anxiety and what mindset to take on instead that propels you towards social ease.

Now my guess is that initially you might not like that mindset, but hang in because it’s actually very, very helpful and in my experience, it’s actually essential in order to overcome your social anxiety. Because if you don’t adopt that mindset and you know you stick with the old mindset you’re just gonna you know, keep trying things and it won’t work, you’ll be more frustrated, and you’ll stay stuck and you know, the despair and hopelessness that you’ll ever overcome your social anxiety that will remain. Whereas when you take on this empowering mindset the things will start working for you, progress will be made, and you know, you’ll start to notice that you have less anxiety and more confidence, and you’ll be on a roll.

So, let’s start out with… The loser mindset. Now the loser mindset is “I need a quick fix now”. And you know it’s a very common mindset that I see a lot of the time and it keeps people stuck. And it makes a lot of sense to have this mindset because you know when you look at our society it is all about quick fixes. Hey, I’m hungry you don’t want to cook, let’s order food. Hey, I have a headache, let’s take a pill. Oh, I want to lose weight, what kind of diet pills can I take? And we’re very catered to with quick fix solutions and often there are really cool shortcuts to things and you know, little hacks and everything and they’re great and I use them all the time, but, when it comes to social anxiety, when it comes to overcoming it, this whole quick fix mentality it is not great.

Now when people have this kind of mentality and they hear about tapping and EFT for the first time they’re like “Whoa, great”, you know, finally this magic pill that I found. I’m gonna use this tapping and overcome my social anxiety in no time. You know, when in a couple of days or a couple of times tapping I’ll be free of my anxiety and it’ll all be good. You know, life is easy from then on.

And then they try it and it might make some progress but then a couple of days later they feel anxious again and they’re like “Hey, didn’t work”. Or maybe they tried a bunch of times and they read a bit about it and it still doesn’t work for them it’s like “Aw, man I’m such a tough case nothing ever works for me”. Or it might go, “Well, it’s a nice relaxation technique but it doesn’t do more than that”. Well, that’s pretty sad because that’s not the situation.

Now when you actually when you apply the tapping in the right way and you deal with the core issues and you persist, that’s when you can get life-transforming results and you can actually be free of your anxiety, where you’re comfortable socially. You just freely express yourself even when you half trip over your words like I’m doing now, it will be okay because you won’t care so much anymore what other people are thinking and you’ll just be able to be you. You know, unfiltered you.

So, that’s possible but yeah, the whole quick fix mindset is not helpful. Like I can understand that mindset very well because you know, when I first found tapping I was like “Whoa, finally you know after all the affirmations and hypnosis and NLP and facing my fears and all that stuff, finally something that’s gonna work. This is the magic tool. The magic trick that I’ve been looking for”. And well, I was wrong.

First of all, it didn’t work for me initially, but I had seen all the EFT DVDs with the founder Gary Craig and he was working, I saw on screen him working with people with low self-esteem, people with you know, public speaking fears, flying phobias, all these things that I thought were quite related to my issue. And I’m like this must work for me too.

And so, even though it didn’t work for me initially I was like I’ll keep going. You know, there’s something in this for me. And then when I initially had my first shift on this workshop where I worked with the workshop leader and he asked me a bunch a question and I felt the shame that I did the tapping and the shame disappeared, I was like “Oh, my God. I found the golden miracle cure, you know, one size fits all solution for everything and within a couple of sessions I’ll have Rockstar social confidence and you know, it’ll be bliss for the rest of my life.” But that didn’t really happen.

Now my overall social anxiety did decrease significantly very quickly but you know, overcoming my overall social anxiety that actually took a long time. And in the beginning, that was very you know, disheartening because I had felt that the tapping worked but then in other situations I would be extremely anxious again. And I’m like, “Well, did it really work? Am I fooling myself?” And every time I got triggered I again had those thought like, “Oh, my God, what if I what if I never overcome this? What if I’m suffering with this for the rest of my life? Why is it not working yet? You know, EFT is supposed to be so powerful, why does it take forever for me to finally get rid of this social anxiety? How much work do I need to put in? This so frustrating.” And you know, all of that kind of kind of thinking. And that’s because I had that quick fix mindset.

But you know, at the same time I was doing anything and everything that could overcome my social anxiety. So, I was studying all the… all the self-help gurus as well you know, Tony Robbins, Brian Tracy and you know, reading all these personal success books and the personal development books while studying all these gurus. And there was one self-help guru who talked about the winner’s mindset and that has helped me tremendously, not just in solving social anxiety like in my whole life and I want to go over that with you right now.

The winner’s mindset. Now this self-help guru was talking about definite major purpose and never-ending improvement making success inevitable. So, feel way… They’ll foolproof way to be successful.

What is definite major purpose? Now this concept come comes from Napoleon Hill. He is a famous self-help author, most famous for his book “Think and Grow Rich” which he published in 1937. So, Napoleon Hill was advised by Andrew Carnegie, a very successful businessman to study all the most successful people in the world and then start writing about it. And in the process of studying these people he would then learn success principles that he could teach to others and in the process of doing so he would become rich himself. So, he studied Henry Ford, Franklin Roosevelt, you know, blah, blah, Graham Bell, Thomas Edison, Neil Woodford, all these super successful people and it was a study of over twenty years.

And then eventually he put together like the success principles where he had distilled all the same principles that these successful people had in common and he then put that in a book. Now he actually had his original series, “The Laws of Success” was actually fifteen books but he later convinced that and made “Think and Grow Rich” out of that. And that’s one of the most… One of the top 10 most sold personal development books of all time with more than a hundred million copies sold. And in that book his most important lesson is lesson number one is definite major purpose. And I’ve got a really quick clip for you where you hear Napoleon Hill actually talking about this concept.

… (see video for clip)

Never-ending improvement. Now this self-help guru said that “Definite major purpose along with never-ending improvement is the golden key to success”. Because if you have a clear goal that you’re going for no matter what, you are committed to it and you then take consistent action and you keep adjusting your approach based upon the results that you get then it’s inevitable you’re gonna get to your goal.

So, for me I created a definite major purpose of being able to be myself, calm and at ease with anyone in any situation. And so, I started you know, doing whatever I can in order to get to that place and it started out with you know, affirmations, visualizations, hypnosis, facing my fears, NLP, timeline therapy, journaling, Tony Robbins. You know, all these techniques that I could get my hands on. And nothing was working, or nothing was working consistently, so, I kept adjusting my approach because my main focus remained the same over and over. I even tattooed on my hand, you know, I made a little cross when I learned about that principle. I’m not sure if you can see it but that was the reminder of like “I’m gonna get… I’m gonna keep going until I’m free of this anxiety”.

Because up until the age of eleven I had no anxiety, so, I knew what it was like to be free. So, I knew there was something off that wasn’t normal what I was experiencing. And I wanted to go back there finally being free who I was, free to be myself again who I really was. And so, I kept going then eventually I stumbled on to the tapping. Interesting, tried it out, it didn’t work, kept adjusting my approach. Decided to reach out to an expert. He then told me to come to the workshop. In the workshop I had a shift. Great, alright, this is good. Hey, hey, it’s working. Started doing some sessions with him. Made progress but then I got stuck again. So, I adjusted my approach. I found a different practitioner, worked with her for a while wasn’t making so much progress, was making a bit of progress. Went to a different practitioner, that didn’t work well. And I saw a variety of practitioners and all of a sudden, I realized like “Hey, I’m jumping from one practitioner to the other having a couple of sessions with this person that doesn’t understand social anxiety to that person that doesn’t understand social anxiety. Nobody really understands my problem that well, but I need to overcome as I need someone who can really have the big picture who really understands what’s going on for me and who I work with and you know, I’ll do whatever, I’ll do whatever it takes.

And that’s how I eventually found my coach. I look for a coach who was really good with the qualifications that I was impressed by who had in her life what I wanted. And so, eventually I started working with my coach. And my coach, my coach is in her 70s – cancer survivor, NLP master, hypnosis master. Really, really impressive woman. And she has been tremendously helpful in overcoming my social anxiety. And you know, it’s taken a long time for me to really pick apart all the little parts of my life where I had anxiety.

And that was just the first step. You know, once I was free of my anxiety I still wasn’t enjoying socializing. And then I still wasn’t looking forward to social or social situations and I still didn’t have the connection that I wanted to have in my life. So, it was quite a long path to get there but it was you know, every little piece of progress that I made towards my definite major purpose was satisfying. And even though it was taking long what was the alternative? Staying stuck? You know, having less, less of a life quality than I, then I really want to have? No! So, I kept going… I kept going from a definite major purpose and eventually you know I got to where I wanted to be.

Now, I say I got to where I wanted to be and that’s true. However, I changed my definite major purpose to something else. So, this definite major purpose has been an absolute key for me to overcoming my social anxiety and it has also been a mindset that has helped me in many other areas of my life. You know, business health, that kind of stuff and my life is far from perfect. You know, it’s easy to talk behind the video but my life is far from perfect and I’ve got problems just like any other human being has. And currently I’m chasing a definite major purpose that I don’t have in my life yet.

You know, my definite major purpose in the moment is… One of them… Is to have a really amazing romantic relationship. And I don’t have that yet. And I’ve been… I’ve been working towards that for a couple of years now. And on the one hand that could be like, “Geez, why she’s not in my life yet? And it’s so frustrating and you know, I’ve got to do all these steps and you know, I’m I have to work with my coach and I’m working with my mentor and you know I’m reading all these books and I’m doing these workshops and why can’t that just flick my fingers and have this result in my life?” Well, because that’s not happening. That’s not how it is. You know, my mindset is it simply takes as long as it takes, and I’ll do the work in order to get there and I’ll adjust my approach, I’ll just my approach as much time as I as I need to because I have a particular vision for what kind of relationship I want in my life. And the relationship that I want in my life it’s the most important… It’s one of the most important relationships I’m gonna have in my life. So, it… You know, I’ll do whatever it takes and I’m willing to wait for a bit because I’m not gonna settle for mediocrity, I want something amazing in my life.

And you know, definite major purpose is where it’s at. I guess that’s the plane I’m trying to land here. So, I definitely recommend adopting this mindset and here’s how to do it.

Step 1. Create your definite major purpose. Now, you might have already done it but it’s a you know, a little bit more work and thinking is required than just like “Oh, well, I want to be socially confident”. You know, give it some more thought. How do you want to feel? Who do you want to be? How do you want people to react to you? How do you want to feel in social situations? What do you want your social life to look like? How do you want people to treat you? How do you want to treat other people? Create a really compelling picture. Like a picture that excites you, something that you look forward to, something that is worth chasing. You know, when it comes to my relationship, the ideal relationship I know the quality of us that I’m looking for I know what the relationship is gonna feel like, I know the essential parts that are that are in… that are important to me. And so, I have a pretty clear picture that I frequently visualize. And that’s really gonna help you. So, get clear on it. Come up with these pictures, write about it, journal about it, and come back to it frequently and get emotional about it. Try as much as you can to get into the emotion of already having it and do that over and over and over and your program your subconscious mind to move towards that target, to move towards that definite major purpose.

Step 2. Commit to never-ending improvement. I love this. So, Napoleon Hill talks about taking appropriate action. And taking appropriate action, there are a wide variety of things that you can do. You know, you can listen to my podcast with psychologists and coaches and healers and psychotherapists and researchers and learn from that. You know, you can study EFT online for free. You can get my social confidence system, you can reach out for coaching, you can study many of the gazillion videos I have online. You can start salsa or yoga and use the tapping before during and after. You can do breathe work. I mean there’s so many things that you can do and there’s not one particular thing that is perfect for you. Just feel like… feel into it. It’s like, “Hey, what’s the best thing for me to do right now?” Because as Napoleon Hill says, “It’s important to have a plan but it’s not that important that the plan is sound”. Because as you start taking action you just notice, “Hey, is this working for me?” Yes or no. It’s not working for me – Great, I’m gonna adjust my approach. So, simply start with something. Yeah, and then decide to take a little bit of action every single day. You know, if you get stuck, study some more. If you get stuck again, study more. If you still get stuck, reach out to someone. If that person is not helping you, reach out to someone else, keep going. As long as you take action every day, you’re gonna get there, you’re gonna make progress and you’ll find out what works well for you. There are many ways that lead to Rome and you know, you will find one way for you that leads to Rome or social confidence.

Now, it might take you three weeks to overcome your social anxiety, it might take you three months, it might take you three years or even thirteen years but, get it out of your head that you need to have it fixed now. Simply you know, commit to your definite major purpose and go for it with all you have and how long will it take, it simply takes as long as it takes. You know, I just I read this story about this former NFL player who he went out fishing by himself. And he… you might be familiar with this story, but, he went out to the sea, about nine miles out and he was in his boat. And his boat was an automatic four miles an hour or something and he was fishing. And he caught something. And then while he was reeling the fish in, the wave hit his boat and he fell off the boat and the boat was you know, going by itself off.

So, now, he had to swim back to the shore nine miles. That is very, very far, you know. And not a good position to be in. So, he decided, “All right. I’m gonna swim west and I’m gonna make it to the shore and I’m gonna get there no matter what it takes”. And it took him 16 hours of swimming to get to the shore. You know, swimming, you know, crawl to the front line, lying on his back going backwards… And he said in the interview afterwards “I have two daughters and there was no way that I was not gonna make it back to the shore”. You know, I had my debt, you know, he didn’t say that, but he had his definite major purpose in mind. He was gonna make it to the shore no matter what. No matter how long it takes, no matter what was going on, you know, he said that he was circled by a shark at some point and jellyfish was biting him, but he was gonna make it. And he did make it.

So, you know, I think that’s quite an inspiring story and a great example of, “Hey, it’s gonna take as long as it takes but I’m gonna do whatever it takes. And I’m gonna start the day, I’m gonna take action, every single day I’m gonna adjust my approach until I have my outcome.”

So, create a definite major purpose, get really crystal clear on that picture, take action every day and keep adjusting your approach. As you start doing that you’ll begin to make progress. You’ll start to see what works and what doesn’t work, you’ll do more of what work, you’ll do less of what doesn’t work. And now, you know, you’ve got momentum going. And as the momentum is going you keep doing what works, habits will start to form and before you know it, that positive you know, snowball of momentum towards social ease is running down the hill and things are going well for you.

The most difficult thing is actually getting started. You know, getting out of your own bullshit, all the excuses in your heads. You know, “Oh, it won’t work for me and it’s too hard and I don’t have the time…” And like all that, all that whining, it’s the hardest to surpass that. Once you actually take a little bit of action, even if it’s 5 minutes or 10 minutes you’ll get a little boost of confidence from that and that will make it more likely that you do it again the next day.

Here’s the first thing that I suggest you do after watching this video. Go if you haven’t already to the link below this video where you can get my free social confidence starter kit. That consists of twelve videos, a couple of instructional videos and how to do the tapping as well as some tap-along videos where you’re guided through an experience of the tapping. Then that already teaches you a lot of the basics of the tapping and now you can start taking action towards your definite major purpose. Which of course is something you’re gonna write down, crystallize, come back to journal about.

So, click on that link below, get those videos and get started today. No matter what you do, take some action today and build that momentum. You know, get that ball rolling. And then keep going, adjust your approach, keep your focus on your definite major purpose and you’re right up, you’re well on your way to the social ease.

I hope this helped you and I’ll talk to you next week. Bye.

If you experience Social Anxiety, click below to receive the FREE “7 Secrets to Social Confidence” Mini Course!

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Sebastiaan

Sebastiaan van der Schrier is a Social Confidence Coach and ex social anxiety sufferer. He helps socially anxious people become confident using a unique and painless approach. He is the host of the Social Anxiety Solutions podcast show and runs the first ever online Social Confidence Community.

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