FULL TRANSCRIPTION

Imagine being surrounded by people who like, respect, and even love you…

… and you feel the same towards them.

And you’re hanging out with them, doing things that you love doing, and you have a great time doing so.

And you look forward to spending time together.

Impossible?

No!

So when you’re socially at ease that’s possible with any group of people?

No again!

You want to find your tribe. Your ideal gang of people.

It’s a mistake to think that everyone should like you…

… just as much as it is a mistake that nobody likes you.

That’s not true. That’s a cognitive distortion.

It’s BS – belief system, it’s just in your mind, it’s not true.

And this false idea of reality keeps you lonely.

When you become more realistic, and you take action in the direction of the things that you like doing most…

… then soon, you can find yourself hanging out with people that you really love spending time with, and who really love spending time with you.

So as a former Social Anxiety Disorder sufferer, I’ve had a lot of trouble making friends in the past.

Mostly because I felt inferior and anxious because I acted superior, and I felt in constant competition with others.

And I was very judgmental and critical and I didn’t want to be close to people.

Now, when that is your reality, it’s very difficult to make friends.

And I’ll tell you straight up, my social life still isn’t ideal. But it’s pretty great.

I’m comfortable and at ease around people. And I have been for a long time.

I enjoy socializing.

I enjoy meeting new people.

I do lots of fun things.

I’m part of a worldwide community. I’ve got a couple of close friends.

And all of that is seemingly perfect.

But it’s not exactly perfect because most of my close friends live in other countries.

And so, often I only have 1 or 2 close friends where I live.

But that’s just because of my lifestyle predominantly where I travel a lot.

Imagine that once I settle down in 1 particular place, that’s going to take care of itself.

However, I want to point that out that it was really bad.

And now it is not perfect, but really good.

And I’ve got some insights to share that can help you get to that place where it’s really good as well.

But before I get into sharing what I have to share, I just want to say that what I’m about to say is a lot easier to implement when you’re not dealing with severe Social Anxiety.

And when you are OK with yourself, when you accept yourself, and when you have a good vibe because you’re at peace within and you don’t have that anxiety bothering you anymore…

… then implementing these things that I’m about to share becomes almost effortless.

So here’s what I mean by that:

In any group of people, there is the majority of them, they’re kind of lukewarm to you – mean that they’re okay with you. But they don’t particularly like you.

They’re not like, “Wow, I really like Sebastiaan.”

or they don’t go, “I really hate Sebastiaan.”

The majority is kind of like, “Okay, Sebastiaan.” Yeah.

And then there’s a very small percentage that just doesn’t like you, for whatever reason.

Now, if that small percentage is a large percentage, guess what…

…there’s a common denominator, it’s YOU.

Well, it’s not the real you; it’s your behavior or your vibe that they’re rejecting.

So you might be feeling and behaving superior around them.

Or you might be Mr. Know It All and try to convince all the other people of your way of seeing the world.

Or you might be very critical or judgmental.

In other words, there’s something about your behavior that people don’t like being around.

But in general, people are actually very accepting.

And that tiny percentage that doesn’t like you, that’s not about YOU.

You remind them of a particular person, or there’s something about your values or some people don’t like happy people.

Are you supposed to become unhappy so that these people [will like you]?

You can’t please everyone, so there’s a small percentage that doesn’t like you.

And then there’s also a small percentage that really likes you, that really gets you…

… and these kinds of people:

You vibe with

You see eye to eye

You’re sharing the same values

You like the same things

Or there’s just something about their vibe and your vibe

That’s a match!

These are the people of your tribe.

These are the people that you want to spend more time with, connect with, and be around.

So if you want to have an awesome social life, go to where you’re appreciated most.

Find these people and stick to them.

So just be kind and friendly with everyone.

Ignore the people that don’t like you, because it’s not about you.

And just find these people that you do vibe with, find those folks of your tribe (it may take a bit of time), and stick with them.

Go to where you’re appreciated the most.

Now, here’s a cool tip, that’s very simple and straightforward, but makes a lot of sense.

In order to find your tribe:

Join a community or some kind of activity that you love doing, or that you could love doing.

It could be:

• Yoga
• Running
• Language Learning
• Hiking
• Dance

Whatever it is, join the meetings, join the activities, especially the ones that are recurring, where everyone shows up and be consistent, and become part of the furniture of this community.

Now, the community itself is profoundly healing and it makes you feel more secure.

And when you’re in a community where people are interested in the same stuff, there’s mutual respect and appreciation amongst each other because you’re into the same stuff.

And it’s very easy to start conversations and have conversations because you’re into the same stuff.

And a lot of the same questions, a lot of same conversations happen. So it’s so quite easy.

For example, I happen to love Salsa, and Kizomba dancing, and I’m part of these worldwide communities.

Now, anywhere in the world I go, I can join group classes. I can get private instruction.

And best of all, I can go to the social dances.

And when I go to the group classes, easy to introduce yourself, you are close to people, you rotate from partner to partner. There, it’s easy to make jokes.

It’s an easy way to get to know some people because you go to the same classes.

Then when you have a private session, which is very affordable in certain countries, then that person, of cours,e you’re going to spend an hour together, wants to be friendly with you.

There’s conversation inherent in that once you can become friends with these people, and they’re going to introduce you to other people.

And best of all, social dancing.

You can show up not knowing anyone, and all it takes is just sticking out your hands and a smile, like “Want a dance?”

And there you go.

Now a connection is there, there’s no conversation needed. And 5 minutes later, you’ve made a connection.

When I do that, when I go to a different country, the first night, I might dance with 20 or 30 different girls, that’s 20 or 30 different connections.

Now I might have 0 or very little conversation.

But if I come the 2nd night and the 3rd night, they start to ask questions, and I start to ask questions.

“Hey, where are you from?”

“What’s your name?”

“Is this your favorite dance?”

“How long have you been dancing?”

And so on.

Or I might start these conversations myself because it’s easy.

You are very similar. You both love this thing.

We both love dancing. So I might say, “Awesome dancing with you! You’ve been dancing for how long?” Very easy.

“What’s your favorite dance?”, “Oh, like… How about yours?”

Because when you ask people a particular question, they’re going to ask you the same question back often.

And then now you have a conversation. And here’s a bit of small talk going on.

And small talk is just a way to get past the initial minute or so of getting to know each other.

Then you’ll find other similarities or other particular topics that you can go on about.

And the more you do it, the easier it becomes because you’ve been there before, you’ve seen this before. It’s easy.

And asking common questions is a very easy way to start conversations.

For example, I might say to a guy that looks friendly:

“Hey, how’s it going? I saw you dancing Kizomba. I’m interested in doing some classes. Do you know where they do group classes?” That will start a conversation.

And I know I used to really worry about that all, “What if they ignore me? Or don’t answer me or what if it’s not going anywhere?”

Blah, blah, blah and nonsense. It’s just in your head.

In reality, the situation is the vast, vast majority of people want to avoid awkwardness.

So if there’s awkwardness, they’re going to try to fill it up.

And everyone well, not everyone, but the vast vast majority of people also want to be friendly, want to be nice, want to help out.

So look for people that look friendly, and just ask a common question.

Now, this is not just in the dance community.

This is just an example because that’s what I’m part of. This happens in other communities as well.

If you pay attention to it, and you’ll spend a bit of time there, you find that a lot of people ask the same kinds of questions over and over and over.

Because not only is it kind of like an icebreaker question or whatever, it’s also something you’re genuinely interested in.

So when I meet another dancer, and I dance with her,  I’m like, “Wow, she’s great at dancing Kizomba.”

My question is, “Do you dance Salsa too?”

or “Is Kizomba, your favorite dance? Because if it’s not your favorite dance and you’re this good, then I’m excited to dance Salsa with you, which is my favorite dance.” 

All right. So there’s a genuine interest in that question.

And that’s the case for everyone.

That question has been asked hundreds of times to me and I asked it to hundreds of people that don’t worry about asking boring questions, or that you’re going to intrude on someone’s privacy and they won’t want to answer you.

Just ask whatever you’re interested in, and you’ll be fine.

And small talk is normal, it’s fine. It’s not something to worry about.

Asking “What’s your life purpose?” as the first opening question might be a bit much.

Okay, actually knew a guy who did that. And it wasn’t very well received. And a lot of people thought he was quite weird.

So keep it simple. Look for the questions that are inherent within the community, and ask what you’re genuinely interested in. And that will get the ball rolling.

So just be friendly with everyone.

Be kind

Smile

Give approval

Look for the 1 or 2 people that you really vibe with. And keep going. Be consistent.

So go to where you’re appreciated most. Go over and over and over…

… and eventually, you’ll get invited to things.

So you might go for dinner, for food after the dance.

Or you might get invited for dinner before the dance.

Or you might get invited to a practice night or a special party, or whatever it is.

Or you might invite them to go practice on the beach, or whatever it is where you live, and slowly but surely, you’ll then become familiar with each other.

Familiarity – that’s what you’re after.

And that’s what you’ll get by going over and over in being consistent. And that’s when friendships are being born.

And now you’re having friends with people that you love, who love spending time with you.

Not a bad deal, right?

So STOP believing that everyone should like you or that nobody likes you.

ACCEPT that some people don’t like you.

And if it’s just a small percentage, don’t take it personally because it isn’t.

And then START going to where you’re appreciated and loved the most.

Look for your tribe, return to them over and over so that your bond naturally deepens, and it will be well on your way to enjoying a social life with people that you really love who really love you.

Alright, if this video was helpful to you, to who else? Or where else might you share this to pay it forward and help somebody else.

And like I said before, Social Anxiety is the real problem that makes this strategy that I just relayed to you so difficult.

Without that Social Anxiety issue, it’s actually very simple.

And Social Anxiety, contrary to popular belief, can be overcome completely.

And you can do that when you combine traditional Psychology with Eastern Energy Psychology.

That way, you can reduce Social Anxiety quickly, minimize your suffering, and with persistence, completely overcome your Social Anxiety so you’ll feel calm, relaxed, and at ease in social situations.

Now, I’ve developed a particular approach where I combine traditional Psychology and Energy Psychology.

And I’ve created a 22-minute transformational video for FREE without having to sign up anywhere.

And if you want to get an experience of that and reduce your Social Anxiety in just 22 minutes, go to bit.ly/freetransformationvideo22. You write with the numbers.

Alright, hope it’s been helpful for you.

If you have any comments or if you have any insights to share about how to find your tribe, please let us know underneath the video.

Talk to you very soon. Bye for now!

If you experience Social Anxiety, click below to receive the FREE “7 Secrets to Social Confidence” Mini Course!

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Sebastiaan

Sebastiaan van der Schrier is a Social Confidence Coach and ex social anxiety sufferer. He helps socially anxious people become confident using a unique and painless approach. He is the host of the Social Anxiety Solutions podcast show and runs the first ever online Social Confidence Community.

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