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In this episode, I will be sharing with you a short conversation that happened within our Social Confidence Club about what you need to do when you’re having a setback in your #JourneyToSocialConfidence.
Check out our website to know how we can help you with your social confidence journey.
Go to www.social-anxiety-solutions.com
Hey there! My name is Lia. I’m with Sebastiaan van der Schrier from Team Social Anxiety Solutions.
So last week, I was talking about the up and down journey that you have to go through to completely overcome your Social Anxiety completely.
Last week’s video explains why the up and down journey happens. And while understanding what’s going on actually helps you to deal with the problem better, I think it would also be beneficial if you know what to do when the journey gets tough and when you’re feeling low in the journey.
So today, I want to show you a clip where Sebastiaan talks about this. This is a very powerful short conversation that happened inside the ongoing Social Confidence Club where Victoria, one of the Club members was sharing her setback story.
Listen until the end because you will get so much value out of this. In the end, you will know what to do when the journey gets tough and what you need to do to make it better.
Here it goes.
Seb: How are you doing at this moment?
Client: I’m annoyed at myself really, I obviously, obviously everyone here is probably on the forum but I’ve been experiencing like a massive setback in the past two weeks. And I’ve kind of shoved the whole social confidence club to one side. So, this is like the first time I’ve really done anything back on it. Since before the setback, and whenever like you say my name or whatever, and I feel it coming up. I start dreading, beating myself up about it later, because now I’ve like gone back from milestone seven to milestone two, and I’m beating myself up about my anxiety all over again. So, for that, I’m starting from scratch, which is a bit rubbish.
Seb: Gotcha, gotcha. Well, when we set yourself a particular goal, the closer you’re going to get to that goal, the more likely that there’s resistance is going to come up.
Should I repeat that?
Client: Sorry, say again? Yeah.
Seb: When you set yourself a particular goal, you’re starting to get closer to that goal. The resistance is going to be stronger if your subconscious is not on board with that outcome.
Client: Yeah, see, this is the thing like if I’m, if I was doing so well before it and I address subconscious resistance, why do I now have to do all of that again?
Seb: Well, you think it’s just a one time, clear. subconsciousness and then you’re done?
Client: Man, I wish it was,
Seb: I wish it was too.
No, it’s a process of shifting and changing. As you shift and change, you’re perceiving everything from a different perspective.
Yeah, you’ll see things differently and resistance just either comes back, which is like general resistance to change, or you uncover other resistances that you hadn’t considered earlier.
Client: Right? See, I feel like I’ve not done enough work and that’s why I’m not. That’s why I’ve experienced a setback. I feel like I deserve it. If you know what I mean, I feel like I have been slacking within. There’s probably a lot more people here that have been doing more work than I have. And that’s why I’m experiencing such a setback.
Seb: Oh my God, it’s so disappointing, Victoria.
Client: That’s what it feels like.
Seb: You should be so down on yourself.
Client: I am.
Seb: Yeah, good. Good. Keep it up. Actually, you should do more of it. But I think you’ve been letting yourself get off the hook a bit. Okay, well, what’s the upside of keeping the problem?
Client: There is absolutely none. I’m this is, I struggled to find one just because in the past week, it’s caused me so much discomfort again. I feel like I’m back in February or whenever it peaked, and I feel like I’m pink and again and I hate it. It’s just, it’s just not good.
Seb: Okay, so there are two things going on. For one. You’re upset with yourself?
Seb: You’re not in acceptance of the fact that this is a path, journey with ups and downs. And so that’s one thing. And the other is there is some kind of upside, even though it’s not been brought to light yet. So that’s some resistance. Let’s say that’s what is going on.
Client: And especially my main kind of problem is like, I remember, I think Marian mentioned it the other day on the WhatsApp group. But the…
Seb: Hi, Miriam.
Client: …the mountain picture you drew to show that you know you’re going to go through setbacks in that. But my worry is always getting back on the path afterward is like, well, it’s all well and good. And you say, and I can have a setback, but what if I never actually get back on the path because my motivation is out the window or whatever?
Seb: All right, well, let me just remind you that you are right now here, talking, tapping. Whole bunch of people are staring at you.
Client: Yeah. Good point.
Seb: I don’t know about you, but you’re kind of on the path, aren’t you?
Seb: Yeah. I mean, you’re not doing great and you should definitely be doing better. And you’re kind of failing. But you’re on the path.
Client 2: Can I maybe share something of my path?
Client 2: Oh, now my anxieties spiking as well.
Client 2: I just thought that what I said could have been triggering for some. And I just want to put it in perspective because I have started the coaching with you, maybe 10 months. But before that I had to do tapping on my own for a year or even longer, and I was so resistant and I had so many setbacks. And it took me a long time to get to the point where I worked instantly. So I just want to encourage you that it’s like that at the beginning. So At some point, you will get to the point.
Seb: Thanks for sharing.
Client: Thank you.
Seb: Yeah. Well…
Client: That was a nice little motivational word of wisdom. Thank you.
Seb: Yeah. And it’s hard! It’s difficult. It is not easy. I think. I’m not pointing that out often enough. It is challenging, and sometimes it’s really damn fucking hard. That’s true! And I think everyone can relate to that.
But that doesn’t mean that you cannot do something. When you fall off the wagon, you simply climb back on. It’s also, what’s the alternative? What are you going to do? Throw in the towel? Give up? Curl in the fetal position? Tell your mom to baby feed you for the rest of your life? It’s not going to happen.
You’ve got responsibilities in life. And it’s not easy. It’s definitely not easy, but things can become easier. But as they’re in the process of becoming easier, sometimes you have, as David says “a bit of a wobbly”. He purposely calls it a bit of a wobbly to make it sound less serious. Right? But what that wobbly is, is extra like “Oh my god, how am I going to deal with these gut-wrenching feelings? I feel so overwhelmed or it isn’t so hard to deal with or whatever the case may be.”
But it is tough. And sometimes, you really do need outside help. More outside help than this platform provides. But time will tell.
But it’s not unique to you that there’s a setback. That’s why I talk about it. That’s why I draw diagrams off it. Because it’s so familiar. It’s so well known. And it’s okay. I mean, it doesn’t feel okay. But it’s alright.
Client: I think the way they think about a setback is like, Well, for me anyway, personal experience. It’s like I lose all sense of time. I kind of forget what the days are, or, or what my routine is like the whole routine, not even just the tapping or anything. It’s just like the whole routine just goes out the window. That makes me then feel worse because I’m not doing anything productive. And it’s just like a cycle because everything’s not good. Instead of just…
Seb: Well Yeah, right. So, what happens is you get triggered by something. In other words, you’re reliving some past trauma, most likely. And now on top of that, you go back to this great habit of beating yourself up. And then from that beating yourself up, you feel like crap. And then from feeling like crap, you’re looking through shit colored glasses at everything, and now everything looks like shit. Okay. What a fantastic recipe to feel horrible.
Client: Yeah, not fun.
Seb: Yeah, no fun. It’s no fun indeed. And in these moments, go easy on yourself. It’s self-care time.
That’s not the time to do super introspective detective work and find your deepest issues and all that – No, that’s like, “Okay, I’m going to pop on Netflix and do a little bit of tapping or I’m going to go for a walk or I’m going to go work out or I’m going to whatever. Eat a box of chocolates. Whatever is your thing.
Client: The thing about like, that’s the thing I struggle with as well. I mean, it might be completely unrelated to social anxiety or whatever, but I can’t look after, like, self-care to me doesn’t exist. Like, if I switch off and watch TV for an hour to look after myself or for self-care, I’ll feel worse afterward because I’ve just spent an hour doing something completely unproductive.
Seb: Tap while you’re watching. Problem solved. When it’s really tough, just do something small. Sometimes you go through some processing stuff. What I’ve liked doing is this is my favorite book of all time. It’s called Shantaram. It’s a 45-hour long audiobook. Highly recommend. You check it out. It is fantastic. It’s like life because the guy does all of the voices in the book and it’s about an Australian guy who was in an Australian prison, escapes, goes to India lives in the slums has all these amazing adventures. And the narrator does all the Indian voices and it’s just it is. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry.
So, you’re distracted now from your own trends. That’s very nice. And if you do that while you’re tapping, that’s great.
You don’t want to always be avoiding everything all the time. No, not good. But sometimes when the pain is really bad, yeah, distract yourself.
Take a nap. listen to an audiobook, watch a funny movie. Do something. Go for a swim. That’s totally fine. And it’ll pass and then from a better feeling place, once the shitstorm has passed, then you can slowly get back into your routine.
The easier you are on yourself, the easier time you have.
I do this work, right? And so, I have my own business and there are lots of things that I’ve had to do in order to be disciplined enough to set things up and to create these structures and so on. And I thought in the beginning “well, I just need to be tougher on myself. I need to be more focused, more disciplined; I need to whip myself into” – and that works for like a day or two. And then I’m like, “the hell with it. I’m not going to do it!” And the nicer I am with myself, the more gentle I am with myself, actually, the more productive I am. Because it comes from a place of “Hey, I want to do this” rather than I have to force myself.
Seb: Okay. All right.
There you go, I hope that helps.
The Social Confidence Club is currently closed for enrolment at the moment. But if you need further guidance on your Social Confidence Journey, we can still help you.
Check out our website at www.social-anxiety-solutions.com so you get to choose what solutions we offer to support you in the journey.
That’s all for now. See you next Thursday!