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Is there someone in your life that makes you feel anxious?
Someone who, when you are with him or her, makes you feel uncomfortable?
In this video, you will learn what is it about that person that makes you feel that way.
You will also get tips on how to feel comfortable around this person.
Check out this story of transformation from a previous coaching client who used to feel anxious with certain people.
Be inspired that you too can completely overcome your social anxiety.
Listen to his story here.
Who in your life do you feel anxious around?
Think about that person and it might be more than one person. But if it’s more than one, just pick one.
Now, stick around for the rest of this video and I’m going to inform you about why you’re feeling anxious around this person and what you can do, some quick tips in order to feel comfortable around this person using tapping.
Here’s a common scenario that I run into when I’m coaching clients.
Let’s say… let’s call him Andy. Andy tells me, “Seb, I feel really anxious around my boss. He’s making me anxious.”
And the first thing I say is like, “Look, he’s actually not making you anxious”, and then I’ll tell Andy about what my coach used to say to me.
My coach, Julia, used to tell me, “Look, nobody is making you anxious. Do you mean that they hold the remote on your emotions? No. You are reacting to someone else, but other people are not in control of how you feel. So, nobody makes you anxious.”
Alright, so rather than going on my own preacher chair, I just tell what my coach used to say to me way back when.
And that really helped empower me because it helped me realize…. “wow, the power is actually inside of me. I have these emotional reactions to what I’m perceiving this other person to be or not to be or who this person is reminding me of. My system is responding to that. And that’s within me. And I have control over that.”
So back to Andy… Andy tells me, “Well, you know, I feel anxious around my boss.”
So, I re-frame it and help him see, “Hey, this is within you. So, this is something you can do is… this is something that you can do something about”, and then I might say, “Okay, let’s tap on this”.
I also begin tapping… And I’ll say, “Think about your boss, and what’s happening for you as you think about him?”
And then he might say, “Well, you know, I’ve got this lump in my throat, I feel this tightness in my chest, and my heart starts to race.”
“Aha! Okay, let’s tap on that.”
We can simply focus on those sensations as we allow them to be there and we move from point to point, and it might start to calm Andy down… and he might say he’s better but now it’s kind of stuck and I might ask “Andy, well, you know… as you’re tuning into these feelings… as you’re remembering the last time you were around your boss, or as you’re thinking about a time in the future that you run into your boss, or as you imagine him being in the room, or her being in the room with you right now. What are you noticing? What are the sensations that you’re feeling?”
And he describes how he feels in his body… And he describes, “Well, I feel insecure, and you know… I’m having these thoughts that I’m inferior… And you know, I feel this inferior sensation in my body.”
I say…Let’s say his boss’s name is Chris. “Who does Chris remind you of?” Now common thing for a typical Andy to then say is like, “Oh, my dad, or my teacher.”
And then we go back to addressing the relationship from way back when with Andy’s dad.
So, what’s happening in the brain is the brain generalizes and it distorts and deletes incoming information, and the behavior of the boss of Andy is reminding Andy’s brain of how his dad used to behave.
So maybe the boss is superior and controlling and criticizing, and stern.
And that’s exactly how his dad used to behave.
And so, Andy is now reacting in the same way as he did when he was a little kid to the boss that he’s now dealing with. Even though Andy is 37 himself and he’s actually capable of just remaining calm and at ease if you weren’t reverting back to feeling how he felt back then.
So, we didn’t actually start working within these feelings from back then towards his dad.
So how he felt back then, we might address particular memories. There are different ways of addressing that.
But we neutralize those reactions that Andy had when he was six or when he was eight, or when he was 10 to his dad… to that behavior of his dad.
Is dad being Stern?
Is dad being critical?
Is dad being controlling?
Is dad being superior?
That might have made Andy feel inferior, and embarrassed, and ashamed and nervous around his dad. Lots of people are afraid of their parents. You know, if their parents were very critical and judgmental, and demanding and had high expectations, and so we clear the feelings from back then for him.
And then when Andy thinks of his dad… “How do you feel now? – “Oh, I don’t feel that way anymore. I feel calm now when I think of my dad.”
Whereas the first time I asked that, “how do you feel we think about your dad?” they have that anxiety and fear come up.
So, when that is neutralized, I say, “Okay, Andy, now think of your boss. How does it feel you think of Chris, your boss now.” And then he might say, “actually, I feel surprisingly calm.”
“Great! Then we’re done. Go test it out in the real world and see if Chris still triggers you. If Chris still triggers you, we got a bit more work to do but we chip away at it.”
If we neutralize the reactions of Andy to his dad and I have him tuned into Chris, and he says, “Well, I feel better. But I still feel a bit uncomfortable.” I might ask some additional questions like, “Well, how should you behave around Chris? How should you not behave around Chris? What are some expectations that you have of him or how do you believe that he thinks you should behave around him?”
And that will bring up Andy’s belief system, and his belief system can also lead to anxiety and rigidity.
If he thinks he needs to be perfect, can’t make any mistakes? Guess what? That’s going to make you feel more anxious. And so, we can address that.
And then eventually, we get Andy to a place where I’m like, “Alright, think about your boss, Chris, and the how do you feel now?” – “Yeah, I feel calm, I feel equal, I feel neutral, I feel at ease.”
Great! And then the problem is gone, then the problem is resolved.
I mean, he still needs to test it out in the real world, and we might have missed one or two triggers, but with some persistence, he will be completely calm and relaxed and at ease around his boss.
I’ve gone through this process many many times. I’ve experienced it myself.
So, it is your reactions to the other person, and it is not that someone makes you feel anxious.
You perceive the person in a particular way. Maybe like your dad or you perceive the behavior in a particular way or his authority in a particular way, and that activates reactions within you beliefs, memories, and emotions, and maybe negative fantasies as well about what’s going to happen if you do not live up to these expectations that you anticipate your boss has over you or whatever to whoever the person is that makes you feel anxious?
So, here’s a real quick thing that you can do, presuming you know tapping already, and that is this:
Step 1. Tune in to the person that you feel anxious around.
And you can do that by remembering the last time or an earlier time, or maybe even the earliest time that you felt anxious around this person.
You can imagine being in the same room as this person, or you can imagine, you know, meeting this person in the future, whatever triggers you most. That is how you tune in.
Step 2. As you’re tuned in, you’re experiencing the negative emotions.
You might notice them in your body, or you might just be aware of how you’re feeling uncomfortable… and it might be very obvious and strong for some people, or might just be little, tiny discomfort. But that’s okay. Even if you’ve got that you’ve got something to work on.
Then you can simply tap on the emotions that you’re aware of and that can already bring you significant relief…
Or you might ask yourself as you’re tuning into the emotions, who does this person remind me of? Or who does his or her behavior remind me of?
Or you tune into the feelings, and you just close your eyes, and you ask yourself, when can I remember feeling this way? Or what do these feelings remind me of?
Or then, what you can also do is ask yourself questions when you’re thinking about this person that if you anxious around is like, how should I behave in this person’s presence? How should I not behave? What do I expect of our relationship? What do I think that that person expects of me? And finally, what is threatening about him or her or what is threatening about our relationship? What could go wrong?
Because remember, anxiety means that your brain is seeing a threat.
Something could go wrong. There’s some horrible pain. There’s some kind of a threat.
So, ask yourself, what is the threat?
Alright, hope this helped you.
If you want to see someone who went through a process exactly like this, talk about and describe in great detail the profound transformation that he’s made as a result of having gone through this process, then I suggest checking out this video. This is an interview with a guy named Alfred, who I coached a long time ago and I guided him through similar process as this. And then you’ll hear the massive transformation that he made. He talks about how it was before how he felt around his boss before and other people and how he felt after, and I think you’ll find is very, very inspiring to go check it out.
Talk to you soon.