SUMMARY
Are you tired of being harsh and judgmental towards yourself?
Do you want to change that by having self-compassion?
In this episode, Sebastiaan will be giving you a tap-along exercise that will help you minimize the way you beat yourself, and gain compassion towards yourself.
Watch the full video and tap along with me.
FULL TRANSCRIPTION
Would you like to be less harsh, critical and judgmental of yourself, and develop more self-compassion?
Then, watch this video.
Hey! My name is Sebastiaan from social-anxiety-solutions.com. I’m a former Social Anxiety Disorder sufferer and a Social Confidence coach.
And in this video, I’m going to briefly talk about compassion – the importance of it.
And then, I’m going to guide you through a particular tapping exercise to facilitate that mindset.
Alright, so…
… we are currently running the Social Confidence Challenge – closed for registration, only opens once a year.
And on this 12th day, we have a very special day because we’re starting to talk about compassion and self-compassion, how important that is.
Each day, I send a little email to people – that email is usually a 5-minute read.
But today, it’s actually like a 20-minute read because I shared quite a personal story of my childhood and what happened, and the files I’ve found.
My dad died when I was 5 so I went to see a Psychologist when I was 5 or soon after.
And I saw that Psychotherapist for a year. After which, my mom stopped it prematurely.
And then, at 9, I was going to be placed outside the house.
I was placed outside the house because we had so many problems.
And then, we visited the Psychotherapist again. And I got a hold of my files and I shared some of what I discovered in those files because I actually went to that Psychotherapist.
And I got all the files of all of the sessions, everything that was said – it was amazing! It was such a treasure chest to discover that.
So that email was sent out to everyone in the challenge. And then after that challenge, there’s a particular tap along.
Unfortunately, if you’re watching this, you might not be in the challenge so you don’t have the benefit of the email.
So, maybe next year, but at least I’m going to guide you through a particular tap along that facilitates a deepening of SELF-COMPASSION.
And that’s important, because what does the opposite do?
Okay, what’s the opposite of self-compassion?
- being mean to yourself
- being rude to yourself
- being very harsh
- and critical
- coming home from social interaction, and beating yourself up about it.
“I should have done this better. Why am I such a loser this week? Because it is so pathetic. Why didn’t I say this?”
Like, you’re being really mean towards yourself? “Why do I have this problem? I shouldn’t have this, there’s something wrong with me.”
You’re judging yourself, right? And instead of that self-judgment, you want to have self-compassion.
Now, it’s very helpful to understand that Social Anxiety is actually something that’s created…
… YOU’RE NOT BORN WITH IT.
And so that means that when your brain is seeing a threat, it’s the result of beliefs – beliefs, like, for example:
- “I’m not good enough.
- There’s something wrong with me.
- People don’t like me.
- I’m not okay the way I am.”
Now, why do you have such beliefs? Well, you learn them.
How did you learn them? Well, we learn them through:
- what we observe
- what we model
- what we experience
Right?
If you have, for example, critical parents, and you’re constantly being scrutinized and criticized, and you can’t do anything good enough, guess what…
… you learn, ‘I’m not good enough’.
And so now you have that belief.
If you’re bullied for a while, you can come to pick up, “Wow, there’s something wrong with me, or I’m a loser, or I’m different from people, or I’m a weirdo, or whatever the case may be, and so on and so forth.”
So there are particular experiences that were very, very painful, through which you learn those beliefs.
And as a result of those beliefs and those experiences, your brain is now perceiving threat and activate the fight-flight-freeze response, which results in these symptoms:
- heart racing
- lump in your throat
- mind blanking
- sweating
- trembling
- thinking about the worst-case scenario
And that situation of Social Anxiety makes it nearly impossible to socialize because your brain is in survival mode.
How can you socialize like that? Right?
And then yet, afterward, you’re beating yourself up about that.
THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE, right?
You’re not getting anxious on purpose…
… it’s the result of the stuff that happened to you!
And if you could do better, you would do better.
And when you’re beating yourself up and you’re judging yourself, what you’re actually doing is – you’re lowering your self-esteem.
What is self-esteem? – how you feel about yourself, how you evaluate yourself.
Well, if you’re saying, “I’m a loser, I’m pathetic, weak, I shouldn’t be the way I am bla bla bla.”
What you’re doing is you’re lowering your self-esteem, you’re lowering how much you value yourself, how much you respect yourself.
What do you think that does when you go into the next social situation? Right?
It just makes things even worse. So it perpetuates the cycle.
So what you want to foster SELF-COMPASSION.
Coming to terms with “Okay, I’m having this problem. This problem really sucks. But I didn’t do this on purpose.
But these are the cards that I’ve been dealt.
This is the problem that I’m having. It’s not who I am – it’s what I’m having.
If I’m having this issue, it’s a very difficult problem to deal with.
If a loved one, someone I care a lot would have this problem, I would want to help them. I would want to assist them.”
Think about it.
Think about someone that you really care of, or care about, or love.
Now think that they have the problem that you have.
How do you feel towards that person?
Do you feel judgmental? “You’re a loser. You pathetic person.” – No, You want to help.
You want to put your arm around their back and like, “Hey, man, I’m sorry, I’m having such a tough time. How can I assist you? Can I be there for you?”
You want to help.
You want to have a kind, compassionate attitude towards that person.
What’s that going to do? That’s actually going to lift them up. It’s going to soothe them a bit.
Now turn around.
Imagine that person and they’re having the same problem that you’re having and you’re telling them, “Oh my god, look at you. You’re so pathetic. What’s wrong with you? Why don’t you just toughen up? You’re so weak. Jesus.”
Yeah. What’s happening to that confidence of that person that you love now?
It’s going down the drain, right?
Right. So we need to be compassionate towards yourself, that’s actually going to boost you.
It’s not going to solve your Social Anxiety, but it’s going to reduce the suffering.
And it’s important because otherwise, you perpetuate a negative cycle. And now you’re setting up something good. All right.
Now, before we do what before I share this tap-along, which is you’re going to see a different me – an earlier me, because I’ve taken this from the video from the Social Confidence Challenge.
But this is not going to solve this issue of beating yourself up for the rest of your life forever evermore.
But it’s going to start the process at the very least, or if you’ve already been working on this, it’s going to deepen the process of self-compassion that you’re on.
And I hope it’s going to be very beneficial for you, okay?
All right, here we go.
Alright, so just close your eyes.
Take a deep breath.
And see how you feel towards yourself for having Social Anxiety – for experiencing that problem, for having that in your life.
And then also notice if there’s any feelings of maybe frustration with yourself
or anger with yourself,
or even hate towards yourself,
or disappointment in yourself,
or shame,
or whatever…
… just notice whatever uncomfortable feelings are there.
You don’t have to raid them. This is just a particular exercise that we’re going to do and we’re just going to see what happens.
Okay, just open your eyes and just tap on the side of your hand and say: even though I have this Social Anxiety problem and it’s a really difficult problem, I’m beating myself up about it.
And even though I do that and I’m aware of it, there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to stop beating myself up, and I want to try to accept myself a little bit more anyway.
Even though I have Social Anxiety and I think I shouldn’t have it, and I really beat myself up about it. I’m really upset with myself because of it.
And there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to let go of that beating myself up, that doesn’t want to release that upset.
Maybe it’s not safe to let go of that.
Maybe I don’t deserve to let go of that.
Maybe it’s how I punish myself and I need to do that.
Maybe it’s just become part of who I am and it’s just what I do.
And I wouldn’t know who I’d be without it, but I do want to try to accept my feelings.
Even though I experience anxiety around others and I’m having a real tough time and it’s affecting my life, yet I’ve been beating myself up…
… and I’d like to stop that.
I’d love to stop that.
But there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to stop it for whatever reason and I want to try to accept both parts of me anyway.
Good.
Tapping on the beginning of your eyebrows: I have Social Anxiety.
Side of the eyes: I’m beating myself up about it.
Under the eyes: And I shouldn’t beat myself up about it
Under the nose: because I’m not trying hard enough to fix it.
Chin: If I would have tried harder, it would be gone by now.
Collarbone: It’s really smart to beat myself up.
Under the arms: It’s such a confidence booster.
Liver point: I can recommend it to anyone.
Wrist point: If you want to be more confident,
Top of the head: just beat yourself up.
Beginning of the eyebrows: And all of this disappointment in myself,
Side of the eyes: frustration with myself,
Under the eyes: angry at myself,
Under the nose: shame for having this problem,
Chin: all of the guilt,
Collarbone: all of this heaviness,
Under the arms: all the other negative emotions,
Liver point: I release all my emotional attachments to all these negative emotions about my Social Anxiety.
Wrist point: But I can’t feel good about myself.
Top of the head: I shouldn’t have compassion for myself.
Beginning of the eyebrows: It’s a bad idea to like myself as long as I have this problem.
Side of the eyes: It’s my fault.
Under the eyes: I have to beat myself up.
Under the nose: Such a productive thing to do,
Chin: makes my life so joyful.
Collarbone: I release all my emotional attachments to I refuse to stop beating myself up about this.
Under the arms: What if it’s not my fault?
Liver point: These are just the cards that I’ve been dealt.
Wrist point: Things happened and now I’ve got this challenge.
Top of the head: I didn’t wish for this to happen.
Beginning of the eyebrows: I didn’t make a wish and say, “Social Anxiety please!”
Side of the eyes: These are the cards that I’ve been dealt
Under the eyes: and it really sucks
Under the nose: and I’m having a hard time.
Chin: I wonder what would happen if I treated myself as a friend.
Then while you tap on your collarbone, I want you to think about someone that you love, someone that you care about.
It could be a parent.
It could be a friend.
It could be a sibling.
It could be a relative.
It could be just a random person that you happen to know, whatever.
Someone you love or someone that you care about, could be any age.
And now I want you to imagine that that person has Social Anxiety like you have it.
All right. So now while you tap under your arms: “Isn’t that person just pathetic?”
Did you just want to slap that person and force on like, “Hey, get over yourself! Don’t be such a wimp!” Or maybe not.
Wrist point: How do you feel towards that person? Would you maybe feel compassion towards that person?
Top of the head: Would you maybe want what’s best for that person?
Beginning of the eyebrows: Would you maybe want to support that person?
Side of the eyes: And “Hey, how can I help?”
Under the eyes: Don’t you feel nice feelings towards that person?
Under the nose: Those are the kinds of feelings you want to have towards yourself.
Chin: You’re having a tough time.
Be nice to yourself.
The nicer you are to yourself, the better you feel, the better you do.
Collarbone: No! I should keep beating myself up.
It’s really smart and it’s a real confidence booster.
Under the arms: No, it’s not.
Liver point: I’m willing to consider this new strategy
Wrist point: of being compassionate towards myself.
Top of the head: And if this strategy makes me feel worse, I can always change it.
But I’m willing to give it a try.
And if it does work, I can grow it in strength.
Deep breath.
Good job!
Alright, I hope this helped you and you feel more compassion for yourself.
Share in the comments below how this was for you, how you’re feeling, or any insights you have that might help others, okay?
All the best. This is Sebastiaan from social-anxiety-solutions.com.
Bye for now!
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