Sebastiaan: Hello, this is Sebastiaan from social-anxiety-solutions.com. I’m a social conference coach. I help people overcome social anxiety disorder. I’ve been doing it for the past nine years after overcoming my own social anxiety. I record these weekly videos and I am also the podcast host of a podcast show called “Social anxiety solutions” where I interview coaches, healers, psychotherapists, psychologists, best-selling authors all in the field of social anxiety and how to solve it. You can find that in iTunes or on my website social-anxiety-solutions.com.

But today I’m talking about a mindset that keeps people stuck, that keeps people in their social anxiety and I’m going to suggest a different mindset to take. That mindset that doesn’t serve you is one of “Okay, I want to get rid of my social anxiety right now”.

It’s a very understandable mindset if you’re in that much suffering because it’s like “Hey, I wake up with this. I have this the whole day. I’m afraid to feel these feelings. I can’t handle feeling these feelings, there are people that see that I’m having these feelings. I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m hiding.” It’s a big problem, I get that.

However, the mindset of “Hey, if this doesn’t work instantly, if this doesn’t fix my social anxiety completely within a week it’s not for me”. That’s a mindset that will keep you going in circles, it will keep you looking for the next best thing, the next exciting technique or the next book that you need to read or the next program that you need to go through.

If you followed this channel for a while, then I’ve given you some incredibly effective techniques. The best that I’ve been able to find in 15 years of social anxiety solutions and not just trying to overcome it also having worked with hundreds of socially anxious clients and actually having helped them overcome their social anxiety. I’m only sharing technique that I know for sure that work because they’ve helped me they’ve helped my clients and they’ve helped countless other people from whom I’ve learned these techniques.

But some of these techniques are very powerful and very effective quickly. For example, one of them is tapping EFT. It looks very weird it’s really bizarre because you’re tapping on certain acupressure points in the body and it’s an emotional version of acupuncture and that releases excessive negative emotions.

That is a brilliant way to start getting rid of your social anxiety because your social anxiety is an emotional problem. You can’t talk yourself out of it so you need an emotional technique to deal with the excessive negative emotions that you’re dealing with when you’re in a social situation to neutralize these excessive emotional responses that you have to normal day-to-day situations.

While a technique like that is very powerful when you’re having social anxiety, you have been having  that for quite a long time. It’s a complex issue to overcome and I frequently see comments on there under videos or I get questions from people via email saying like “Hey, I tapped along with your video and I felt better but I got anxious again. What should I do now?”

Well, listen, I’ve got bad news for you. You’re not going to solve your social anxiety by tapping along with a 10-minute video on YouTube. Get out of that mentality. You’re having a mentality of “I have a headache I’m going to take a pill for it”. That is not the deal, that’s not how it’s going to work. You’re having a problem and it’s a problem that’s going to most likely require some time to overcome it.

In some situations, you work with a practitioner and that is really going to speed up your process. Clients I see about 30 – 35 percent of them resolve their social anxiety within three sessions. That’s three times nine… it’s three weeks. It’s hard to believe but I have the video testimonials to back that up, just check on my channel.

But the other 65% they don’t solve their social anxiety in three sessions. Some six some nine. Some people I work with even longer though that’s not really that common anymore but if you’re doing things by yourself if you’re going at this problem on your own then there are a lot of pieces to the puzzle that need to be addressed. Your social anxiety consists of a certain amount of aspects. A certain number of smaller pieces that make up the bigger overall problem.

When you have social anxiety it’s likely that you have feelings about your problem. You’re frustrated with it, you’re maybe ashamed of it, maybe you’re angry at yourself that you haven’t resolved it yet. These are all small pieces of the of the problem that need to be addressed.

When you’re having social anxiety there for sure resistance to letting go of it so consciously you really want to let go of that problem but subconsciously the deeper part of your mind believes that that anxiety is serving you because it’s warning you that you’re in a dangerous situation.

You’re not really in a dangerous situation but your brain perceives the social situation that you’re in as a dangerous situation because you’ve been in similar situations in the past where you got rejected or bullied or beat up or made fun off or whatever the case may be so your brain is a lot alarming you when you’re in a social situation that “Hey this is dangerous it’s just like back then so careful you might get rejected again, you might get embarrassed again” or whatever the case may be.

Try to overcome your social anxiety. Your subconscious is going to say “No, no, you can’t do that. You can’t let go of this alarm because you’re in a dangerous situation, so you need to address the underlying causes. You need to look at what are the threats that my brain is perceiving and how come my brain is receiving these threats”.

Well, your brain is perceiving these threats because of these beliefs that you have and these beliefs that you have or learn from, repetitive negative experiences in your early childhood and beliefs from painful life experiences that you had.

I’m just giving you a couple of quick things. There’s actually a lot more to it. Since the problem is big, it’s going to require some persistence to overcome it. But if I tell people the problem is big or complex people are like “I can’t do it. I feel overwhelmed. It’s too much. I can’t handle it”. Just take a step back and see the big picture.

Any big problem that you have can take it can be taken apart addressed in smaller pieces. You just take one piece of the puzzle you take one piece of your problem and you deal with it, so you tap on it and you cleared a part of the problem. Then you go on to the next part of the problem boom you get rid of that. Then you could look at the next part of the problem then you clear that.

Step by step by step you’re getting more confident, you’re becoming less anxious, you’re feeling better about yourself, you’re reacting less to social situations, you’re becoming more at ease with who it is that you are, and all of these things start to happen but most likely they’ll start to happen gradually.

What sets the people apart that overcome their social anxiety from those that don’t the ones that overcome it they’re persistent and they have a long-term mindset. They’re like “I’m going to do whatever it takes however long it takes” and that’s the only mindset that actually gets you to the place where your anxiety free. This is not like “I have a problem give me a fix” or “I’m hungry give me my favorite candy” or “I need some money let me borrow it or let me get a credit card”.

No, this actually requires you to doesn’t sound nice but to have a mature mindset to have a success mindset and not be like “I want a quick fix now. If this video doesn’t solve my social anxiety, then and all the rest of it”. I’m being a bit “mean” here almost because I want you to get this.

You’re not going to overcome your social anxiety if that’s your mindset and frankly if that’s your mindset then I can’t help you. If I’m upsetting you with that I’m sorry, but I can’t help you with that. I’m looking for people who really want to overcome their social anxiety and are willing to put in the work because that’s what’s required.

Alright. I’ve been hammering on about this for a long time. Just in leaving let me end on a very positive note. The cool thing is that despite it likely being a period of consistent effort for you to overcome your social anxiety, it might take you three months it might take you six months it might take you six years. That’s unlikely I’d say we’re in three to six months you’ll you at the very least have made profound life-changing progress, but you can make big progress in just one day.

You can feel less anxious in just one day and that’s why when you start taking action that becomes addictive because when you get some results you’re like “Wow, this actually works. I’m going to keep doing this”. Don’t just watch this, actually, take some action.

The action that I suggest you take is to commit to doing something about your social anxiety for 10 to 15 minutes every single day because when you do that you start to create a habit. Now 10 to 15 minutes isn’t much that is just a tiny bit. At 10 or 15 minutes your best most, effective effort would be to do some tapping. Actually, correction, your best most effective effort would be to do some tapping in the right way.

I talked about how to do that on my channel. I talked about how to do that a little bit on my podcast though that’s mostly interviews. Especially I talked about how to do that in my free newsletter and my social confidence starter kit. That’s also for free – no money.

You can get that on my website social-anxiety-solutions.com there’s a little button there. But even if you don’t do that you can just stay on this channel and look at some of my other videos. If you’re sick and tired of hearing of me, you can even just go to google and type in EFT – Emotional Freedom Techniques and download the manual there and you’ll get some basic information.

I talked about how to use that technique and how to apply it specifically to overcome social anxiety. Commit yourself to doing something for ten minutes every day and that’s going to really make a big difference because that builds the positive habit and that positive habit of chipping away active social anxiety every day will start to make you feel better, start to make you feel more confident and that will keep you going because results are very motivating. Results are the most motivating thing you can think of.

Now, it’s going to take you a bit of time before you’re actually at a place where your anxiety free, but that time is so worth your effort. Imagine that you wake up and there’s no anxiety and you actually feel good and you look forward to socializing. You look forward to spending time with other people whatever that’s friends or whether that’s people in school or a bunch of strangers or a new event that you’re going to.

Whatever the case may be, imagine that you’re actually excited about meeting these people about hanging out and when you’re in a social situation you’re at ease, you’re just relaxed. You have a good time, you feel free to speak your mind.

Whatever comes up its unfiltered, it comes out and you can handle with whatever comes your way with whatever happens in a social situation you can deal with it. You’re having fun, you’re connecting with people, you’re making eye contact and you’re actually connecting with another human being and it feels good and it nourishes you.

Instead of coming home from a social situation feeling drained because you’ve had to put up this act and you couldn’t do this, and you couldn’t do that, and you were afraid to make a mistake.

Instead you’ve just been yourself and you’ve connected with another human being, another person. If you had a good time that nourishes you. That actually gives you energy, that makes you feel better. That is healing in and of itself.

That is actually your natural normal state of being and all the crap in your head, all the beliefs, all the patterns that result from your childhood programming. Like that place is your natural state of being and by doing that work for 10-15 minutes a day over time it starts to add up and you’ll get closer to that place.

Now, it will take patience, it will take time, it will take persistence but who cares if that is the outcome? Whatever it takes. Whatever it takes it’s worth it, believe me.

Alright, I hope this has been helpful. I released a video like this every Thursday. Subscribe here or here or here or whatever it is and leave a comment below. Get out of this quick-fix mindset because there is no quick fix. Get yourself to do whatever it is that you need to do. Build it up small and stay persistent, stay consistent and do the work. Do the work. Alright, talk to you soon, bye.

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Sebastiaan

Sebastiaan van der Schrier is a Social Confidence Coach and ex social anxiety sufferer. He helps socially anxious people become confident using a unique and painless approach. He is the host of the Social Anxiety Solutions podcast show and runs the first ever online Social Confidence Community.

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