I struggled from low self esteem for over two decades.
And thankfully I’ve been able to get rid if it completely.
The roots of it started in childhood.
When my dad died when I was 5 years old and my mom was left with me and my 1 year old sister, she became emotionally unavailable.
I was seen as the trouble kid.
There was a lot of yelling in the house.
I was placed outside the house at 10 years old as my mom couldn’t handle me anymore.
I moved schools 4 times before the age of 12.
Quite a low self esteem was the outcome of all this.
I felt there was something wrong with me.
That I wasn’t lovable.
And a bad kid.
Throughout a puberty full of drugs and problems I proved this to myself even more.
At the end of my teens I was smoking a gram of weed every day, took copious amounts of XTC pills in the weekends, avoided social situations as much as I could, or drank when I was in them, had massive back pain, was deeply ashamed of myself, and had an intense social anxiety disorder.
It was then that I found powerful solutions to both my low self esteem, and my social anxiety.
A long journey of healing and recovery followed.
Years of therapy, and over $70 000 invested in self development followed.
But it’s been well worth it because as a 30 year old today, I have now been anxiety-free for years.
And I’ve also been able to help my clients overcome their self esteem issues.
Often in as little as a few coaching sessions using a powerful emotional release technique in the right way.
I want to share with you how you can do that too (and a lot faster than it took me).
Let’s first have a quick overview of the limitations of low self esteem, so you can see to what degree this applies to you and your life…
People With Low Self Esteem…
- Are unsure of who they are and what they stand for.
- Don’t believe in their abilities and skills.
- Feel that they’re not good enough. They feel undeserving of the good things in life.
- Are perfectionists. Mostly because of the fear of making mistakes and disappointing others.
- Have an intense fear of failure so they won’t try new things.
- They unrealistically fear change and are reluctant to make decisions out of the fear of making the wrong one.
- Are overly sensitive to criticism or disapproval. Are constantly seeking approval and acceptance from others.
- Seek to please others. They put other peoples needs above your own needs. (And no, this is not healthy and nice…)
- Are very self-conscious and seldom express yourself openly.
- Avoid a lot of situations out of fear of judgment.
- Put yourself down all the time. When you accomplish something great or get a compliment you neglect it or say “it was just luck”. When you “fail” or do something wrong you take full credit for it and agree that that’s the way you are.
- Have addictive or compulsive behaviors (alcoholism, drug addictions, eating disorders etc).
- Feel undeserving and therefore won’t take proper care of yourself.
And also when you…
- Make mountains out of a molehill (a tiny issue is the end of the world to you).
- Are socially withdrawn. You have a lack of social skills and self confidence.
- Go into vicious negative thinking-loops and experience an overflow of negative emotions.
- Have a constant sense of depression, inadequateness and uneasiness.
- Are unable to accept compliments. You feel ridiculed because you don’t see yourself in that complimentary way.
- Don’t trust your own opinion. You constantly adjust it to suit others needs.
- Intensely fear what others think of you and if you’re doing “the right thing”.
- Have problems in dealing with anger. You cannot control it properly and are in denial of it impacting your life.
- Wear a “social mask” because you are afraid people don’t like and respect your “real self“.
- Fear arguments and lie and exaggerate to avoid disagreements.
- Are overly serious. When you cannot see the humor in things.
Do you recognise any of these traits in yourself?
If so, why are you dealing with it?
Howcome you suffer from low self esteem, and others don’t?
The Causes Of Low Self Esteem
Low self esteem can have been caused by a wide variety of factors.
In my 5 years of coaching social phobics, I’ve found the roots of it to nearly always be in early childhood.
When I work with a coaching client who’s got low self esteem, one of the first questions I ask is about their relationship with their mom and dad in their formative years.
Since these are your closest and most influential relationships, this is the first place to look.
Here I typically spot repetitive negative experiences that made them feel bad.
- dad not being emotionally available
- being compared to your smarter brother
- your sister being mom’s favourite
- being raised by strict parents
- being ashamed of your family
- constantly being criticised
- extremely high standards from your parents
- being yelled at all the time
- being ignored
…caused them to feel negative emotions.
And from these negative emotions they made (subconscious) decisions that formed negative limiting beliefs like:
- I’m not good enough
- I’m not important
- I’m worthless
- I’m unlovable
- there’s something wrong with me
- I’m unacceptable
- I’m bad
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And these beliefs becomes the lenses through which they view themselves.
Can you relate to any of these beliefs?
Having them haunts you for the rest of your life.
It’s what is holding you back from reaching your potential.
It’s at the root of what’s causing havoc in your relationships (or it’s what causes you to not be able to form close relationships), and it is the main underlying reason for why you feel anxious around others.
But you can get rid of it once and for all (more in just a second)…
I mentioned repetitive negative experiences above, but it can also come from your parents getting a divorce (you deciding its somehow your fault), a parent dying (did they not love you enough to stay alive?), workaholic parents who where never there for you (their work is more important than me), alcoholic parents who neglected you (I’m worthless), parents who think you need to be raised super tough (I must be like dad, or else I’m unacceptable) etc.
And while it often stems from a problematic relationship with one or both of your parents, your school, community and surroundings is a big factor as well.
Being bullied, or not fitting in when moving to a new school are common stories I hear.
You can also have developed low self esteem later on in life, though this is less common.
It may seem that it was developed during this big break up, or that horrible failure or rejection.
But in 95% of the cases the real roots lay in early childhood.
And the catastrophic event you feel caused the lowered esteem is more like the experience that worsened the pre-existing problem, reinforcing the negative limiting belief already present in your subconscious mind.
Your low self esteem comes from not having had enough love, acceptance and approval growing up.
Or from having been abused in some way (verbally, emotionally, physically, sexually).
Or traumatic experiences later in life.
This caused you to feel bad about yourself from which you formed a/some negative identity belief that is some variation of “I’m not OK the way I am”.
The conclusion here is that the negative limiting beliefs formed during these difficult periods are the real problem.
And when you uncover and overcome these beliefs, you will be able to unlock your natural high self esteem.
Luckily doing this doesn’t require years of intense psychotherapy.
This can be done relatively quickly when you use a powerful emotional release technique in the right way.
This technique is called “tapping” or “EFT”.
EFT is an innovative technique that involves tapping on certain acupressure points while focusing on traumatic memories or painful emotions.
In doing so, the negative emotions process, you experience relief, and you end up feeling calm and at peace.
While it looks strange and out of the ordinary to be tapping on yourself, studies have shown that EFT reduces the production of the stress hormone cortisol and increases production of serotonin and other neurochemicals.
These biochemical responses help regulate the autonomic nervous system and create a sense of calm.
EFT combines elements of cognitive therapy, somatic intervention, and brief exposure therapy.
It’s an incredibly effective, yet gentle technique to rapidly neutralise excessive negative emotions like fear, sadness, guilt, insecurity, anger, and so on.
It’s something that when you don’t know it will cause your skepticism to rise.
But I invite you o suspend your disbelief and give it a committed try.
It has changed my life and continues to change the lives of my clients.
It’s a very simple technique.
In fact, a 12 year old can learn the basics in just 10 minutes.
But you need to know how to apply it in the right way to really overcome these beliefs that cause your low self esteem.
I show you how to do that in the 26-page article I wrote a while ago.
It’s been edited by my own high level coach, and approved by two psychologist and an EFT Master.
I’ll send it to you for free when you sign up below.
In it I share the story of a common client, who suffered from both low self esteem and social anxiety disorder.
I share what I did with him, and how he progressed.
I’ll show you visually how to step-by-step overcome your low self esteem once and for all.
You’ll see how this is not rocket science, and that this will work for you too.
Put your name and email address below and click the blue “Help Me Beat My Social Anxiety” and I’ll send you the PDF right away.