In this post, I talk about how I helped a client get to the place where he felt at ease imagining walking over to a girl he has a crush on and starting a conversation with her. To where he liked himself whether he felt anxious or not (which was a big difference for him).
I also helped him with a strategy to come across better in the conversation. I related it to an experience I had last week with an attractive woman in a café.
We’ve all been there, wouldn’t you like next time to go better and to have it keep getting better? That’s what I’m sharing here.
Sebastiaan: Alright, this is Sebastiaan from social-anxiety-solutions.com. I’m a former social anxiety sufferer and a social confidence coach. I help people to go from social anxiety to calm and at ease and relaxed and having a good time in social situations, being able to connect, be real, be yourself, enjoy yourself and all that good stuff.
I specialize in using a particular technique to help people overcome their social anxiety. That technique, one of the techniques that I use that I talk about most is called EFT – The Emotional Freedom Techniques also known as tapping. It’s a psychological form of acupuncture but instead of using needles, you tap with the tips of your fingers at specific acupressure points in the body.
When you do that it disconnects the emotion from the problem that you’re thinking about. It looks here it sounds ridiculous, but it is incredible. It helped me overcome from my own social anxiety and I have helped hundreds of clients do the same since 2009.
I’ve got videos and podcasts with experts so Social Anxiety Solutions on iTunes, go check it out.
Now this is a sequel to the previous video and in a video last week, I release video every week, I talked about my client who had a third session. By the way I’m shooting these videos in succession and I’m wearing the same shirt, you can’t see it, so I don’t actually know how he’s doing yet because I haven’t seen him again. Told him to email me in a week.
But I was going to talk about how I helped him get to the place where he felt at ease imagining walking over to this girl that he has a crush over and starting a conversation.
In the beginning of the session, he felt anxious imagining that and one of the reasons was that one of the threats that his brain was seeing was that she might not like him, okay?
We did some work on that. What work did we do?
I helped him get to the place where he liked himself regardless of what was going on. Regardless of the emotions that he was feeling.
Now you don’t like yourself there’s a reason for it. You don’t come out of the womb as a baby not liking yourself. There’re programming, things that happen over and over and over in your early childhood that make you not like yourself. For example, if you had the sense that your dad didn’t like you, you can form the belief that you’re not likeable or same thing for your mom or whatever.
You can have specific life experiences that are painful and traumatic that can cause you to feel that you’re not likeable or that people don’t like you. You can be bullied for a while for example. And these experiences are then reference experiences, emotional reference experiences that your brain uses as proof, emotional proof that serves as evidence of the belief that you’re not likeable or that people don’t like you.
When you go back to these experiences, in other words when you think about them and it brings up the emotion, you can do the tapping and discharge those stuck emotions. In doing so bit by bit you can get rid of the belief that you’re not likable where people don’t like you or whatever the case may be.
I helped him do that and got him to the place where he liked himself whether he felt anxious or not. Big difference, big difference for him.
Another thing I told him is like “Okay, well, do you have any standards? Do you know what you’re looking for?”
If you have no standards and you just want her just because she looks good, alright, that’s maybe not so helpful yeah because then it’s like I’m going into the conversation “Please like me. Please, please, please” because I have no standards. However, if you have real standards then things are going to be different.
I related the story to him, something that happened to me last week. By the way, I’m not a dating coach for any sense of the imagination. I’m not good at that, I’m not experienced in that and all that kind of stuff, but I do approach a girl every now and then if I’m really attracted to her.
That happened last week, I’m sitting in a cafe and the beautiful girl comes walking in and I’m like “Wow, she has my attention” and she happened to be sitting quite close to me but with her back to me and I missed the opportunity to initially start the conversation so I’m like “Man, how am I going to do this?
What am I going to say? Am I going to tap her on the shoulder and say hi, how’s it going? My name is Sebastiaan. Could I do that?” But I didn’t really know, and I also felt a bit nervous. Odd because of the inner work that I have been doing because of this tapping that I’ve been doing these are the therapy that I’ve been having I’ve helped myself get to a place where I’m no longer afraid of feeling anxiety, where I’m no longer upset when I feel nervousness or tension, where I can trust that I can handle whatever comes my way.
Whatever emotions come up or at least in that situation who knows what I might not be able to handle. If there is something that I expect I can’t handle nothing that I can think of right now I would use this technique to uncover what it is, deal with it and grow myself in psychological strength so that I can handle it.
Anyway, because I’ve developed that psychological and emotional mindset and help really is it just a normal state of being I felt a bit nervous and I was okay with it. I got my food and the food was a wrapped up in little napkins and then would it with a little straw and it came with a little like writing like a fortune cookie, something along the lines of “Happiness is not to be found in the future but just in the present”. Whatever some kind of a cheesy thing. That’s a great conversation starter.
I took it and I pop that on their table and it’s kind of like “Alright, it’s a little bit of social pressure for her”. She pretty much has to respond to that and she turned around and we started a conversation.
Now during the conversation, I was actually a bit anxious. Wow, who would have thought right? Because I have done the inner work that anxiety didn’t make me feel any worse. I wasn’t ashamed, I didn’t like myself any less because of the anxiety. I like myself just as much. I didn’t feel bad about feeling anxiety.
Did I like it that I prefer it? Definitely not.
Was I in the moment as much? Totally not.
Was I able to joke around as much as I usually do? Did I have access to the interesting topics that I can talk about? No, all of that was all diminished but because I didn’t get upset about the anxiety because I didn’t beat myself up about it because I didn’t judge myself for it, the anxiety actually came up and it started to fizzle the longer the conversation lasted.
I allowed the anxiety to be there, I wasn’t judging myself and therefore also because I was telling this story to my client also because I have qualifications I know what I’m looking for in a woman. A woman needs to have a sense of humor, she needs to be intelligent and there’s some disqualifications I don’t like woman that smokes. She smokes. I don’t want to be kissing an ashtray. If she doesn’t take care of herself physically etc.
I have a couple of qualifications and so when I’m having a conversation I’m also screening her just as much as she’s screening me. That’s going on in the background and because of that set up I was a little bit anxious and not massively anxious.
I related that story to him and helped him get to that place where he was also okay with feeling anxious if it would happen and he would still like himself. At the end of that conversation he was pleased, he was comfortable imagining. He couldn’t get himself to feel any anxiety in however way he managed to visualize imagine talking to this girl while beginning of the session he did.
There was a shift of change when it would actually be comfortable in the moment that’s to be seen because we can only test at the end of the session what we can test in his imagination. But he set my imagination now more goes to it going well. Now go out and see what happens and we’ll see what actually happens.
But at the very least we’ve decreased some of his potential triggers of his social anxiety and you can do the same.
Alright, and what I also wanted to point out what I pointed out to him as well is like I got a bit anxious, it didn’t stop me, I can still live my life but he still do the things that I want to do and afterwards I was like all right I got a bit anxious there, that’s very uncommon for me these days because I’ve done so much into work.
Last time I got anxious before that was maybe six weeks or two months prior when I was, I did a video open on that as well actually when I was asked to come on stage by a ladyboy and I had to hold the ladyboy in my hands. That was also a new experience for me and I was a bit anxious there as well but nothing unbearable.
Anxiety is not this big enemy in my life anymore. I’m not afraid of it. It’s a tremendous freedom. At the end of this experience where I noticed “Hey, I got anxious again. Interesting, let’s have a look why.” I looked at what were the triggers for me that cause me to feel that way and interestingly enough it actually had nothing to do with the experience itself in that café. It was more about some intimacy issues that I haven’t properly resolved yet about what’s going to happen in the aftermath of it. That’s a different story.
Anyway, I’ve resolved that and now I know that the next time I’m in a situation like that I’m going to have decreased anxiety or no anxiety, right? That’s just what you can do with this stuff. It’s amazing.
You might not be able to do this yourself but you can get there when you get some proper help, when you get some assistance but there’s a lot that you can do yourself and I teach you the most of what you can do yourself on my website where you can get a free social confidence starter kit where I teach you the technique, I guide you through an experience of the technique to release excessive negative emotions.
It’s amazing if you’ve never tried it. Imagine being able to actually release some emotions instead of just trying to change your thoughts with like minimal shifts in your feelings if at all. You actually focus on a bad feeling, you do this weird technique and a minute later the bad feeling is gone. Imagine that.
That technique I teach on my website and I teach how to use it specifically to overcome social anxiety. You can click on the link below this video where which brings you to my site or you can go to social-anxiety-solutions.com and if you think that I’m full of shit that’s great, you don’t have to believe me at all.
But I also have a podcast where I interview psychologists, psychotherapists, coaches, scientists, healers, best-selling author, psychotherapists, people that have the qualifications that I don’t have who say the same things that I’m telling you here. This stuff really works. It’s really amazing. It can really change your life. We actually start putting it into practice.
Okay, I hope that’s been helpful. Subscribe here wherever it is. I release a video like this every Thursday. I’ve been doing that for a long time, first video in 2009. I hope it’s been helpful, thanks for watching and I’ll talk to you next week. Bye.